connection — EMPOWERED TIMES BLOG

The Key to Successful Relationships: Improvise!

Great relationships, like great music, thrive when we embrace improvisation.

The most common complaints I hear in relationship therapy are: you don't understand me, you don't see me, or you don't appreciate me.

Ultimately, we all want to matter in our relationships, whether it's feeling seen by a romantic partner, being acknowledged by a professional peer or supervisor, or feeling appreciated by a member of our family.

When we don’t feel seen or heard, we end up feeling alone in our relationships. At best this can be isolating. At worst it can feel threatening and unsafe. We’re more inclined to respond defensively. We withdraw, seek out distractions, or attempt to fill the void with other sources (ie vices).

When we show up with interest and curiosity, we’re more engaged and open to the unfolding dynamic between us. It’s a reciprocal dance that requires us to intentionally slow down and pay attention.

Sawubona is a beautiful expression in Zulu which means, "I see you.” It's a reverent acknowledgment, an honoring… a way of meeting you as you are. As we feel seen in our relationships, we experience a sense of safety within ourselves and in the relationship, which allows us to show up more authentically and confidently.

The Transformative Power of Revealing Our Secrets

When I was five years old, I spilled a bottle of nail polish on the carpet. Afraid to confess, I desperately tried to erase the evidence. The more I scrubbed, the more the small, pink stain grew into a coagulated, watermelon-sized mess that lingered for years.

We typically keep secrets to protect ourselves against potential punishment or being judged or misunderstood. We avoid events that feel too scary to share— a trauma, an infidelity, unsurmountable debt, an abortion, or a health diagnosis.

Much like my nail polish incident, the secrets we keep can expand, consuming more of us than we realize. Secrets don’t vanish when we hide them; they shape the stories we tell about ourselves. We expend so much effort and energy hiding or worrying about being found out, we exist in a chronic mode of fear or protection that can make us sick and exhausted.

Secrecy fragments identity. Truth integrates it. When we acknowledge who we are—even the difficult parts—we begin to feel whole. Sharing our truth— wisely, not recklessly— we lighten the weight we’ve been carrying. Sometimes the very thing we’ve kept hidden can become the source of connection, strength, and inspiration for ourself and others.

Integrity: Being Whole Is Being Well

What allows a jet plane to travel faster than sound? Or a thin, silky piece of material to deliver a skydiver from 15,000 feet in the air safely to ground? Or a skyscraper to defy the laws of gravity?

In one word… Integrity.

Structural integrity provides reliability and safety. Cultivating integrity within ourselves requires honesty to foster trust and authenticity. If integrity is the essence of safety, integration is the essence of wellness.

When our brain and body systems are well-integrated, they work together to promote optimal health. When our thoughts and behaviors are integrated, we act in alignment with our values. When we are integrated in our relationships, we communicate and cooperate in constructive ways.

At times we might feel pulled in different directions or stuck in a narrow, absolute perspective. We become fragmented and fragile. The antidote is integrity. The process of integration supports our overall wellness and vitality by evoking a freedom that can only come from wholeness.

Strength Through Our Differences

When my husband and I first started dating 18 years ago, it was a common contention between us that he didn’t like to do the things I liked to do (eg. try new restaurants, travel to exotic places, etc). This created ongoing conflict.

Variety may be “the spice of life,” but diversity supports our very existence. Biodiversity, cultural diversity, emodiversity (emotional diversity), all promote balance and resilience on our planet and in our relationships.

Though intellectually, as humans we understand there are inherent differences between us, we may experience conflict when those different beliefs, values, or priorities are expressed.

Being able to honor ourselves as separate and different from others, including our intimate partners, is the foundation of a healthy relationship. This capacity to differentiate cultivates self-awareness, and fosters empathy, authenticity, and integrity.

Learn how to differentiate and discover the benefits of honoring our diverse experiences.

The Search for Belonging (Hint: Look Inside!)

Everyone craves a sense of belonging. To feel accepted and connected to others is a core human need. We tend to migrate toward those who have shared values and perspectives. This does not automatically assume that it comes from our family of origin. It’s become quite common for people to opt for a “Friendsgiving” instead of the traditional Thanksgiving, because the environment they were raised in feels neither safe nor supportive.

Belonging can be precarious when it depends on how well we comply and conform to accommodate the standards or expectations of others. Sustainable belonging delves beneath the surface and gives us the permission to show up exactly as we are, including our mistakes, failures, and flaws. Creating a culture within and around us where we can share both positive and negative experiences without fear of judgment or rejection allows us to feel more authentic and free to be ourselves.

Read more to discover 5 ways to cultivate belonging from within.

The Dance: How to Ask for Space Without Stepping on Each Other's Toes

Overlapping work demands, social schedules, and family obligations can take a toll on our relationship with our partner. We may feel like we’ve lost connection. We may feel taken for granted. We may crave time alone or separate from our partner. How can we ask for what we need without potentially upsetting our partner? What if one person wants more time together and the other needs time apart? It can be painful when the needs of our partner conflict with our own needs. Yet the tension of conflicting needs and the process (“dance”) of discovering resolution can help us to recalibrate, reconnect, and ultimately establish a deeper level of intimacy.

You Are the Architectural Wonder Behind the Scaffold

The iconic Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris is currently shrouded by metal scaffolding as it undergoes repairs from the fire damage it suffered in 2019. Scaffolding is a temporary, yet complex network of supports which make it possible to construct, erect, create, repair or restore the edifice residing within. As humans, we also require supports as we evolve. We can think of this as social scaffolding (eg external validation, reinforcement, etc). However, the internal structure, the authentic edifice of your inner self is the true architectural wonder and will be what remains. Cultivate deeper understanding of this interactive and interdependent process…

~~ Expanding Inside Out: Part 2 ~~ Why and How to Open

As we enter into the holidays, we may find ourselves challenged to be around people with whom we disagree. We seem to increasingly judge those who don’t think, believe, or vote like us, and lash out against one another based on vaccination status, political affiliation, and personal priorities. Life is not binary. It’s not as simple as good vs. bad, right vs. wrong, black vs. white, blue vs. red, you vs. me. Life is a continuum of experiences and perspectives. How can we challenge ourselves to imagine what it’s like to see through another person’s eyes? Empathy is the art of figuratively stepping into another person’s shoes, and imagine what it’s like to be them. The ability to imagine an experience outside of our own helps to connect us with compassion. Compassion is the bridge to our shared experiences and our common humanity. In this article, consider four questions to inspire an expanded perspective, an abundant mindset, and curious compassion…

~~ Expanding Inside Out: Part 1 ~~ When We're Closed

As different as our modern life may be in comparison to the primitive threats to survival our ancient ancestors faced, we still encounter a plethora of real and perceived attacks—natural disasters, social and economic injustices, political rivalries, bullying in schools and social media, viruses run amok, and perhaps above all, vastly conflicting views on how to address those threats. When we feel threatened, we contract—physically, emotionally, and mentally. In this defensive position, we tend to operate from a place of fear, judgment toward others (or ourselves), and a need to protect or preserve what we have. What causes us to feel closed, cautious, and uncertain?

How to Survive Competition & Rejection

Most of us have experienced rejection in countless ways over our lifespan. The feeling of being rejected activates our brain in much the same way as physical pain. We subconsciously experience rejection as a direct threat to our survival and wellbeing. We begin to believe that if we are not good, successful, attractive, rich, or powerful enough, we will be rejected. This way of thinking keeps us stuck in a trap where we desperately fear rejection, feel forced to compete or prove ourselves by compensating for what we perceive as shortcomings, and ultimately contributes to a society that is rooted in deception and disconnection. Alternatively, we can consciously choose to cultivate skills which allow us to be true to who we are, provide a sense of freedom, and help us to advance both individually and collectively. Our more evolved survival strategies must incorporate collaboration, creativity, compromise, compassion, and connection.

The Power of a Broken Heart

It may seem unusual to write an article about heartbreak in honor of Valentine’s Day, but somehow it feels fitting considering the experience of the last year. The impact of chronic stress, self-neglect (poor diet, sedentary lifestyle), and lack of social connection (supportive relationships) all contribute to poor cardiovascular health. As much as we may be susceptible to heartbreak or heart disease, we are also full of potential for heart fortifying and heart healing. We can support the heart, not only through improved lifestyle choices, but also in recognizing and honoring the profound power it holds. Discover three simple ways to connect to the heart and why it’s important…

Finding Connection in Chaos

We are in this together. I see it written in sidewalk chalk and on handmade posters in front of homes and businesses throughout my neighborhood. We are confined to our homes in our respective corners of the planet, yet we are more interconnected, more interdependent, more united than ever as a human community. As citizens of the world, we have suddenly found ourselves facing a common struggle. If we pause to recognize we are experiencing a significant moment in history, we might ask ourselves, how do we want to make it matter? How can we see this strange and stressful time as an opportunity to make it mean something?

Categories: