secure relationship — EMPOWERED TIMES BLOG

The Search for Belonging (Hint: Look Inside!)

Everyone craves a sense of belonging. To feel accepted and connected to others is a core human need. We tend to migrate toward those who have shared values and perspectives. This does not automatically assume that it comes from our family of origin. It’s become quite common for people to opt for a “Friendsgiving” instead of the traditional Thanksgiving, because the environment they were raised in feels neither safe nor supportive.

Belonging can be precarious when it depends on how well we comply and conform to accommodate the standards or expectations of others. Sustainable belonging delves beneath the surface and gives us the permission to show up exactly as we are, including our mistakes, failures, and flaws. Creating a culture within and around us where we can share both positive and negative experiences without fear of judgment or rejection allows us to feel more authentic and free to be ourselves.

Read more to discover 5 ways to cultivate belonging from within.

The Art of Repair in Relationships

In Japan, kintsugi is the art of mending of broken objects. Sometimes our relationships can feel broken. We make mistakes, we see things from different points of view, we disagree, our priorities shift, we drift apart. Every relationship encounters conflict. No relationship is perfect. The greatest marker of a healthy relationship is one that is able to repair effectively. Repair is the cornerstone of a secure relationship. Cultivating the capacity to recover from conflict helps us restore safety and trust.

Like kintsugi, mending our relationships makes them resilient and whole again. When we invest in the art of repair, we end up with something that not only stands the test of time, but actually increases in value.

Using the acronym R.E.P.A.I.R, this article explores six basic principles to restore connection in your relationships.

Cultivating Security ~ Part 2: Do Relationships Fan the Flames of Our Insecurities, Or Do They Put Out the Fire?

Romantic, professional, platonic, familial… The relationships in our lives can significantly influence our physical, mental and emotional vitality. Meaningful relationships help us experience a sense of safety and trust, and have been shown to be a critical protective factor against common emotional or social ailments (eg. depression, addiction, etc). Yet we can also be hurt in relationships, which can ignite our insecurities and internal defenses. When we listen carefully and pay attention to our needs and feelings in the context of our relationships, we discover more about how to trust ourselves and others, and we access the incredible healing potential of relationships.

Cultivating Security ~ Part 1: Understanding Our Dragons (aka Insecurities)

“It does not do to leave a dragon out of your calculations if you live near him,” author J.R.R. Tolkien advises. Many of life’s uncertain situations can provoke our “dragons." Insecurities cause us to feel anxious and doubt ourselves. When they emerge we may experience fear, lack of belonging or connection with others, and low self-worth. Getting to know your dragons can be powerful leverage as we navigate the challenges of life and relationships.

In this 3-part article, we explore:

Where our insecurities come from and how, where, and when they show up
The benefits and limitations of our relationships to help us heal and restore a sense of security
How to deepen our sense of safety, trust and understanding from within ourselves to create a more sustaining and resilient self-identity.

The Dance: How to Ask for Space Without Stepping on Each Other's Toes

Overlapping work demands, social schedules, and family obligations can take a toll on our relationship with our partner. We may feel like we’ve lost connection. We may feel taken for granted. We may crave time alone or separate from our partner. How can we ask for what we need without potentially upsetting our partner? What if one person wants more time together and the other needs time apart? It can be painful when the needs of our partner conflict with our own needs. Yet the tension of conflicting needs and the process (“dance”) of discovering resolution can help us to recalibrate, reconnect, and ultimately establish a deeper level of intimacy.

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