security — EMPOWERED TIMES BLOG

In Japan, kintsugi is the art of mending of broken objects. Sometimes our relationships can feel broken. We make mistakes, we see things from different points of view, we disagree, our priorities shift, we drift apart. Every relationship encounters conflict. No relationship is perfect. The greatest marker of a healthy relationship is one that is able to repair effectively. Repair is the cornerstone of a secure relationship. Cultivating the capacity to recover from conflict helps us restore safety and trust.

Like kintsugi, mending our relationships makes them resilient and whole again. When we invest in the art of repair, we end up with something that not only stands the test of time, but actually increases in value.

Using the acronym R.E.P.A.I.R, this article explores six basic principles to restore connection in your relationships.

Love Contradiction

Love is confusing. We navigate family pressures, social comparisons, and childhood fantasies as we try to make high-stakes decisions about our future. We encounter conflicting messages ranging from “You deserve better” to “It could be worse.” We are told not to depend on anyone else to make us happy and fulfilled, and yet, studies show that people in meaningful relationships tend to be healthier and happier. Online dating (curating and perusing profiles, responding to messages, coordinating meetups, etc) has been referred to as a full-time job. Analysis paralysis, dating fatigue, and disillusionment are rampant as more people withdraw from daunting dating prospects or settle for unfulfilling partnerships to avoid the risk of starting over. What if we accepted that love is fickle and stopped trying so hard to control it? Rather than white knuckling our way into love, what if we let go and throw our hands in the air. Not in defeat. In liberation and in trust.

People and RelationshipsErin MasonFebruary 13, 2024love, dating, relationships, discovery, breakup, letting go, openness, security, vulnerability

Cultivating Security ~ Part 3: Strengthening Your Core from Within

Strengthening our abdominal muscles helps to reduce the risk of falls and injury. Fortifying our psychological core helps to to cultivate security from within. These exercises include: 1) identifying what makes you feel authentically safe, 2) exploring your internal landscape to better understand your experiences, and 3) establishing consistent practices to reinforce your sense of security. From a solid, strong center, we are able to move our body with greater agility and balance. Similarly, when we actively practice engaging our internal psychological strength, we have better capacity to respond with flexibility and confidence. To do this we must take personal responsibility. We don’t get six-pack abs by watching someone else do crunches!

Cultivating Security ~ Part 1: Understanding Our Dragons (aka Insecurities)

“It does not do to leave a dragon out of your calculations if you live near him,” author J.R.R. Tolkien advises. Many of life’s uncertain situations can provoke our “dragons." Insecurities cause us to feel anxious and doubt ourselves. When they emerge we may experience fear, lack of belonging or connection with others, and low self-worth. Getting to know your dragons can be powerful leverage as we navigate the challenges of life and relationships.

In this 3-part article, we explore:

Where our insecurities come from and how, where, and when they show up
The benefits and limitations of our relationships to help us heal and restore a sense of security
How to deepen our sense of safety, trust and understanding from within ourselves to create a more sustaining and resilient self-identity.

Redefining Forgiveness and How to Heal Without It

“Forgiveness makes me feel weak and vulnerable.” We can be hurt in a plethora of ways, from overt abuse and injustice, to social infractions and insensitive oversights. The latin word for forgive is “perdonare,” which means “to give completely, without reservation.” This literal and limited definition seems to disregard context. Sometimes it is not possible to offer forgiveness to another person, either because they are no longer alive or accessible, or because it doesn’t feel safe or appropriate for us to do so. If we disqualified the term “forgiveness” from any given transgression, what would be our goal for resolving it? In prioritizing resolution instead of reconciliation, healing rather than pardoning, we may discover more clarity of our own experience.

The Dance: How to Ask for Space Without Stepping on Each Other's Toes

Overlapping work demands, social schedules, and family obligations can take a toll on our relationship with our partner. We may feel like we’ve lost connection. We may feel taken for granted. We may crave time alone or separate from our partner. How can we ask for what we need without potentially upsetting our partner? What if one person wants more time together and the other needs time apart? It can be painful when the needs of our partner conflict with our own needs. Yet the tension of conflicting needs and the process (“dance”) of discovering resolution can help us to recalibrate, reconnect, and ultimately establish a deeper level of intimacy.

An Abundance Mindset: 4 Ways to Shift Out of Scarcity Thinking

Scarcity is synonymous with inadequacy, deficiency, lack or dearth. Many of us experience scarcity when we operate from a place of not-enoughness. Concepts that characterize this not-enoughness (e.g. scarcity mindset, inferiority complex, imposter syndrome, etc.) have become common vernacular. Scarcity mindset implies a tightening, grasping, fearful and defensive stance. Just as we can get caught in a cycle of threat, shutting down, immobilization and fear, we can also embark on a self-perpetuating journey of choice, openness, flow and enoughness. Approaching our circumstances, decisions, and relationships from a mindset of abundance rather than scarcity, allows us to relax, open-up, and trust that whatever is, is enough.

The Internal Tug-of-War

Have you ever promised yourself something, yet done the complete opposite? We typically have a rational understanding of what we want or what is “good” or “bad” for us, yet simultaneously we may feel pulled to act in ways that contradict our reasoning. When we experience internal conflict, it can be helpful to understand what is driving the disconnect. Are we acting in alignment with our true values or are we measuring ourselves by someone else’s standard or expectations? Do we feel free to make our own choices or are we overcompensating by asserting control in unhealthy or counterproductive ways? Does our innate need for safety and familiarity prevent us from taking the necessary risks toward positive change? Life is full of contrasts. We are able to mediate our internal conflicts through enhancing awareness and understanding of our inner contradictions.

~~ Expanding Inside Out: Part 2 ~~ Why and How to Open

As we enter into the holidays, we may find ourselves challenged to be around people with whom we disagree. We seem to increasingly judge those who don’t think, believe, or vote like us, and lash out against one another based on vaccination status, political affiliation, and personal priorities. Life is not binary. It’s not as simple as good vs. bad, right vs. wrong, black vs. white, blue vs. red, you vs. me. Life is a continuum of experiences and perspectives. How can we challenge ourselves to imagine what it’s like to see through another person’s eyes? Empathy is the art of figuratively stepping into another person’s shoes, and imagine what it’s like to be them. The ability to imagine an experience outside of our own helps to connect us with compassion. Compassion is the bridge to our shared experiences and our common humanity. In this article, consider four questions to inspire an expanded perspective, an abundant mindset, and curious compassion…

Falling Inward ~ 5 Ways to Harness Autumn Healing

For many years I dreaded the changing of the seasons from summer to fall. Days felt desperately short, nights were dark and threatening, and trees shed any sign of life leaving behind their tree skeletons. This began, for me, with a life crisis that took place during the autumn months several decades ago. For years afterward, I had a painful association the moment I felt the sharp shift in the air and the changing colors of leaves before they would drop from their branches. Whether we love or loathe the fall, this transitional season offers us an opportunity to heal from our past life experiences. Here are five key autumn themes to support our natural healing process…

Ready, Set... Let Go!

At times letting go may feel liberating. Other times it feels scary and involves considerable risk. It can be associated with fear… fear of the unknown, fear of loss, fear of powerlessness, fear of separation, fear of losing control. Letting go is a challenging skill which requires discernment, courage, and trust. Many of us have experienced holding on in a way that keeps us stuck or feels grasping, striving, and desperate. We may have held on to something at our own expense, to the point we end up exhausted and diminished. What causes us to hold on or hold back, and what might give us the confidence to let go?

Self-DiscoveryErin MasonJanuary 26, 2019letting go, liberate, possibility, opportunity, security, trust, confidence

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