The Internal Tug-of-War — Empowered Times

Have you ever promised yourself something, yet done the complete opposite? Perhaps you’ve sworn you will go to the gym after work, but instead pick up a pint of ice-cream or a bottle of wine on your way home. Maybe you’ve told yourself you will go to bed by 10pm, but find yourself lost in your latest binge show at 1am. You might long for a healthy, meaningful relationship with a partner, yet continue to choose people who are emotionally volatile or unavailable.

When we experience internal conflict or opposing forces within ourselves, it can be helpful to understand what is driving the disconnect.

Are we acting in alignment with our true values?

Do we feel free to make our own choices and experience a sense of control over those decisions?

Does our innate need for safety and familiarity prevent us from taking the necessary risks toward positive change?

Most often we have a rational understanding of what we want or what is “good” or “bad” for us, yet simultaneously we may feel pulled to act in ways that contradict our reasoning.

How can we want two different and opposing things at the same time?

Some might describe this pattern as self-sabotage, when we consciously or sub-consciously engage in behavior that hurts us or holds us back from our true objective. We want to lose weight, but instead stock up on all our favorite Girl Scout Cookies. We hope to advance our career or education, but neglect to meet the application deadlines. We wish we could meet someone who treats us well, but compulsively keep answering calls and hooking up with an ex.

This dynamic plays out in countless nuanced ways in which we continuously compromise our chances of having what we desire most in our lives. To understand this cycle we must identify what we desire and why. Our deep desires, authentic aspirations, and true longings connect us to our values.

If our behavior is not in alignment with our values, this may be attributed to a lack of self-worth (i.e. not believing we deserve, should have, or are worthy of love, success, happiness, etc). This is an internal process based on how we perceive ourselves. Yet self-worth is also influenced by how we see ourselves in relationship to others. Consider how we navigate our self-imposed expectations as well as expectations from others (e.g. family, authority figures, social/cultural influences, etc).

Today, every social media platform is saturated with images of people who appear more attractive, intelligent, creative, or successful. When we compare ourselves to others, we allow them to impose their values upon us and our sense of self become clouded. When we measure ourselves by someone else’s standard and expectations, we lose sight of our own values and self-worth becomes compromised.

As human beings, most of us want to feel as though we have some sense of freedom and agency over our lives and decisions. We like to think that we are in control of our choices.

If we feel out of control, often times we overcompensate by grasping more tightly or controlling more rigidly (eg. our schedule, our diet, our relationships, our work, etc.). However, exerting more control can be counterproductive.

For example, if we’re driving on a slippery road and begin to lose control of the car, we may instinctively hit the brakes or overcorrect the steering wheel, causing us to lose control even more, spin out, or end up someplace unintended.

Similarly, our perception of control can ultimately lead to self-defeating choices or behaviors outside our control. This scenario presents itself in both subtle and obvious ways, to include overtly rebellious reactions, passive-aggressive compliance, hypocritical responses, self-destructive behaviors, etc.

We see this when teenagers (or adults) act out because they don’t want to be told what to do, when top athletes develop an eating disorder or high achievers turn to substance abuse, when a medical doctor has a drinking problem or a religious leader has an affair.

Even if we follow the rules, meet expectations, or appear to do all the right things, we still ultimately need to feel personal agency, freedom and choice. (Take it from a perfectionist who’s had a lifelong struggle with her inner rebel!) If we feel like we are living a life dictated to us, are unable to express ourselves as we truly are, or feel unseen or misunderstood, our drive to experience authority over ourselves will likely increase.

In other words, the more we feel controlled, the more likely we are to react by asserting our freedom (i.e. reactance theory). “You’re not the boss of me!” Sometimes this brings us into alignment with ourselves and our values, and other times, this invokes the rebel within.

Life is a constant balancing act of trying to grow and develop, while also trying to maintain homeostasis and safety. Our brain is wired to feel safer when we are engaged in familiar environments, relationships, and patterns of behavior. As the old proverb quips, “Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t.”

We often long for something different—a more fulfilling relationship, a more exciting job, a healthier lifestyle—yet the very thought of making a change terrifies us. It may feel threatening to acknowledge something that induces pain, like the impact of a past trauma or being discontent with some current aspect of our lives. As a result, we may find ourselves avoiding or denying it… even when it hurts us more in the long run.

We protect ourselves by not taking risks. This is the essence of self-preservation. Our survival mechanisms run deep and strong, and for good reason. They keep us alive!

Self-preservation and self-sabotage can be two sides of the same coin. The need to feel safe on one side holds us back from taking risks. The other side is our need to control which keeps us from the failures or successes that allow us fulfill our potential. Both sides prevent us from growing, advancing, learning and evolving.

This internal conflict causes us to simultaneously experience both attraction and aversion. We want to take risks, yet we need to feel safe. We may understand the value of vulnerability and deeper connection, yet we instinctively find ourselves pulling away and avoiding the very closeness we long for.

Life is full of contrasting needs—to say “yes” while shaking our head “no,” to both hold on and try to let go, to draw near and pull away, to feel anger yet find a way to forgive, to open up to new experiences yet still feel protected.

We can mediate our internal conflicts by bringing awareness and understanding to our opposing needs. Through the process we are reminded to reconnect with our values and discover ways to operate from a place of safety and trust. Then, we are challenged to allow ourselves the freedom to take risks and make mistakes, by which we access our courage, resilience, and truth.