control — EMPOWERED TIMES BLOG

Anger Part 2: Toxic or Tonic for Health?

Erik’s anger motivated him to act purposefully and advocate for countless others. Yet, the spark within him could ignite a blazing fire. He unintentionally wounded others with hurtful remarks, and burnt bridges he (figuratively) helped to construct.

Anger can cause collateral damage to our health and relationships. Dysregulated anger results in impulsive acts of violence, hateful speech, destructive belief systems, and contagion effects with devastating consequences. Some people try to suppress their anger or internalize it, but it almost always makes its way to the surface.

Anger communicates with us when our boundaries are inadvertently crossed or blatantly violated. It not only connects us to our values (eg. fairness, integrity, compassion, etc) and what we care about most (eg. relationships, reputation, etc), anger also motivates us to take action. Although most of us don’t enjoy being angry, acknowledging our anger and its impact on us is an important part of defusing it’s harm and harnessing its power.

Let Go of Control and Find Freedom

“It wasn’t supposed to be like this,” she repeated over and over from the edge of her hospice bed. It still echoes in my ears, along with a residual compulsion to make it better somehow. The powerlessness was palpable. My mind said, “do something!” but my heart knew there was nothing to be done. It’s unbearable to witness the suffering of someone you love. The grasping and sense of urgency is instinctive, but I felt overcome with a haunting paralysis. Then, something shifted. Throughout life we are taught in various ways how to master a sense of control. We think of it as the capacity to determine, restrain, or manage any given situation. But ultimately, control is fleeting and elusive. It’s like trying to chase the ocean waves or catch a bubble in your hands. Just when we think we have it, it eludes us. Are we ever really in control?

The Internal Tug-of-War

Have you ever promised yourself something, yet done the complete opposite? We typically have a rational understanding of what we want or what is “good” or “bad” for us, yet simultaneously we may feel pulled to act in ways that contradict our reasoning. When we experience internal conflict, it can be helpful to understand what is driving the disconnect. Are we acting in alignment with our true values or are we measuring ourselves by someone else’s standard or expectations? Do we feel free to make our own choices or are we overcompensating by asserting control in unhealthy or counterproductive ways? Does our innate need for safety and familiarity prevent us from taking the necessary risks toward positive change? Life is full of contrasts. We are able to mediate our internal conflicts through enhancing awareness and understanding of our inner contradictions.

~~ Expanding Inside Out: Part 1 ~~ When We're Closed

As different as our modern life may be in comparison to the primitive threats to survival our ancient ancestors faced, we still encounter a plethora of real and perceived attacks—natural disasters, social and economic injustices, political rivalries, bullying in schools and social media, viruses run amok, and perhaps above all, vastly conflicting views on how to address those threats. When we feel threatened, we contract—physically, emotionally, and mentally. In this defensive position, we tend to operate from a place of fear, judgment toward others (or ourselves), and a need to protect or preserve what we have. What causes us to feel closed, cautious, and uncertain?

Psychological Mirages: Perfection. Balance. Control.

Being from the southwest, where long roads stretch across the O’Keefe-esque landscape, I learned early on about the phenomenon of mirages. Off in the distance, it appears. A big puddle of water, right in the middle of the road. But as you drive closer, it vanishes. How much of our lives are spent in search of illusions and perceptions of ideals that are elusive and unattainable? Perfection, balance, and control are psychological mirages. In our striving for perfection, our longing for balance, and our grasping for control, we paradoxically lose it. What is it we are we truly seeking and how might we discover more of ourselves through the process?

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