“It wasn’t supposed to be like this,” she repeated over and over from the edge of her hospice bed. It still echoes in my ears, along with a residual compulsion to make it better somehow. The powerlessness was palpable. My mind said, “do something!” but my heart knew there was nothing to be done. It’s unbearable to witness the suffering of someone you love. The grasping and sense of urgency is instinctive, but I felt overcome with a haunting paralysis. Then, something shifted. Throughout life we are taught in various ways how to master a sense of control. We think of it as the capacity to determine, restrain, or manage any given situation. But ultimately, control is fleeting and elusive. It’s like trying to chase the ocean waves or catch a bubble in your hands. Just when we think we have it, it eludes us. Are we ever really in control?
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