~~ Expanding Inside Out: Part 2 ~~ Why and How to Open

In the previous article, I was a terrified six-year old, clinging to my mom’s leg when she attempted to drop me off for my first day of elementary school. Even after I survived the first grade, I continued to veer away from novel situations. I refused to attend summer camp, after-school clubs, team sports, or any other activity where I would have to meet new friends or step out of my comfort zone. I kept my circle small and safe.

As I grew older, I started to feel trapped in the bubble I had created for myself. I was tired of feeling guarded and operating from a place of suspicion, fear and intimidation. I also saw how retreating and maintaining a contracted existence kept me small, limited, stifled. My determination to grow and explore began to surpass my default of safety and familiarity. This required tapping into, practicing and strengthening new skills.

International travel became my bootcamp strategy for stepping outside my comfort zone. I went alone, lived with local families and studied foreign language. Fear inevitably crept in, after all, I was traversing unknown territory and meeting unfamiliar people. This gave me an opportunity to practice courage. When judgment or criticism of strange places, customs, ideals, values, or ways of living emerged, I challenged myself to be curious instead, and reminded myself not to judge what I don’t understand.

In many ways, we find ourselves in a strange and threatening situation here, at home in our own country. We judge those who don’t think, believe, or vote like us.

We call them names and force accusations upon them. In some places “blue” is evil, and just down the road “red” is considered toxic and dangerous. We desperately grasp on to what we believe is rightly ours—our rights, our resources, our freedoms, our territory. We have fallen into a scarcity mindset, where we perceive there will not be enough to go around or what we have will be taken away. This causes us to pull harder and hold tighter, stuck in an obstinate tug-of-war.

Cancel culture is pervasive. We have reverted to ostracism, a primitive form of social punishment. We regress to our tribalist tactics of defending ourselves against whoever doesn’t agree with us in what Tara Brach, PhD refers to as “the trance of bad othering.”

We lash out against one another based on vaccination status, political affiliation, and personal priorities. This vitriol, hostility, and judgment is met with aggression, retaliation, and the kind of response to threat that keeps us stuck in a vicious and uncivilized cycle. Slinging verbal fireballs over the proverbial walls of misunderstanding, we accuse the other of being wrong, selfish, immoral, and evil. We have turned each another into our nemesis, even if that means our own brother, daughter, friend or neighbor.

This approach is deeply rooted in fear. One might say there are valid reasons to be afraid, and that could be true. Yet, operating from a place of fear keeps us contracted. When we are afraid, we are more likely to judge others, exude hate, propagate divisiveness, and ascribe to a scarcity mindset.

We cling to what we think we know, fight or run from the unfamiliar, and refuse to accept any semblance of common ground or compromise. This keeps us stuck, locked in a cell with the key clenched in our own fist.

Conversely, if we challenge ourself to step out of the judgement and scarcity mindset, to anchor ourselves in a sense of security that runs deeper than our fears, we might begin to relax. Our vision expands, as does our perspective and our ability to respond calmly, empathically, and effectively to the world around us. We approach one another with curiosity and a genuine desire to understand. We become more tolerant and forgiving, and realize people develop their values and ways of thinking through their unique life experiences.

Life is not binary. It’s not as simple as good vs. bad, right vs. wrong, black vs. white, blue vs. red, you vs. me.

Life is a continuum of experiences and perspectives. How can we challenge ourselves to imagine what it’s like to see through another person’s eyes? Empathy is the art of figuratively stepping into another person’s shoes, and imagining what it’s like to be them. What is it like to be the “other?”

This ability to imagine an experience outside of our own, the capacity to put down our assumptions that we are right and they are wrong, allows us to access humility and connect to compassion.
**Compassion is the bridge which allows us to see our shared experience and our common humanity.**
Perhaps we share the desire to feel safe and to protect those we love.
Perhaps we share the hope for a secure and peaceful future.
Perhaps we share values such as freedom, dignity, and justice.

This allows us to hold BOTH the recognition of our shared human experiences AND honor where we may deviate. We won’t always agree, and that is not the objective. However, if we are able to imagine outside of ourselves, we experience openness. When we operate from a place of expansion (versus contraction), we feel safe and are better able to access those higher and more evolved parts of our brain. Qualities such as compassion, collaboration, and courage all further reinforce a greater sense of safety and ease.

As we enter into the holidays, we may find ourselves challenged to be around people with whom we disagree. Consider these questions to help support a peaceful season:

What does it feel like to be contracted in your body? What does it feel like to be expanded in your body?
How can we operate from a mindset of abundance (versus scarcity)? What resources can we access in abundance (e.g. forgiveness, patience, love, presence, gratitude, etc)?
Rather than digging in our heels, convicted in our own ways of thinking, can we take an opportunity to look through another’s perspective? What have their life experiences been and how does that influence the way they show up the world?
Where can we replace judgement with curiosity, criticism with compassion, and grievance with gratitude?

Our historic default mode and primitive instincts may cause us to contract in order to survive. However, our evolved species and future survival depends on our ability to expand. Bruce Lipton, PhD argues that we can operate from a stance of either “growth” or “protection,” but are unable to achieve both at the same time. “The longer you stay in protection,” he explains, “the more you consume your energy reserves, which in turn, compromises your growth.” We seem to be in a critical point in history, one which calls us to do more than survive, scraping by with a scarcity mentality.