Psychological Mirages: Perfection. Balance. Control.

Being from the southwest, where long roads stretch across the O’Keefe-esque landscape, I learned early on about the phenomenon of mirages. Off in the distance, it appears. A big puddle of water, right in the middle of the road. But as you drive closer, it vanishes. Mirages seem to appear most often in the desert heat. The illusion of a lush oasis just within reach, yet elusive and unattainable.

How much of our lives are spent in search of these illusions, mirages, perceptions of ideals that don’t exist in reality? Perfection. Balance. Control.

Perfection is the concept that everything is absolutely right, with no mistakes, faults or flaws. We refer to it as a score or means of evaluation that can be applied to appearance, performance, or product. Many aspire toward this ideal, but even Olympic athletes (with the strictest discipline, consistent training, and unfaltering expectations), we as human beings stumble and make mistakes.

Balance evokes visuals of a man on a high wire, a yogi in some complicated one-legged pose, or achieving the exact, even place on a scale. It implies finding that sweet spot directly in the middle—neither too this, nor too that—the Goldilocks “just right” place. Balance has been one of my greatest life endeavors, until I realized that it seems to be constantly changing. Goal posts move, the dial shifts, the terrain evolves. As quickly as we seem to achieve balance, we find ourselves susceptible to falling out of it.

Control gives us the impression of complete authority and influence. A pilot who navigates his airplane, a rider who maneuvers his motorcycle, a leader who directs people. We seem to think that with enough expertise, knowledge or strength, we might be able to predict or overpower an outcome. Until something unexpected happens—a storm, a sudden turn, a rebel cause. Wherever we try to exert control in our lives (our schedules, our children, our diet, our future), unpredictable things happen. Control slips though our fingers like sand through a tightened fist. The more we squeeze, the more it escapes us.

Often times, in our pursuit toward these psychological mirages, we create more suffering, or dukkha, as it is referred to in Buddhist philosophy. In our striving for perfection, our longing for balance, and our grasping for control, we paradoxically lose it. Our motivated behaviors toward these illusions move us further from where we aspire to be.

Instead of perfection, balance and control, we become seized by paralyzing notions of rigidity, or vain efforts leave us disappointed and discouraged. We may brace ourselves against the backlash of our perceived failures, by implementing protective strategies, defense mechanisms and compensatory behaviors, all of which move us away from who we are and what we want.

What is it we are we truly seeking?

We want to look or perform to the best of our abilities and meet our highest potential. We want to be able to live in harmony and ease. We want to feel empowered in our lives. But if striving toward perfection, balance and control only takes us further from those qualities, how do we find what we’re looking for?

The Olympic athlete wraps and treats her injuries. Like her, how can we nurture ourselves in the process of fulfilling our potential?

The man on the high wire anticipates the breeze that blows the wire causing it to bounce or sway. Like him, how can we prepare for imbalances in a way that allows us to respond with flexibility and equanimity?

The motorcycle rider leans into the unexpected turns on the road. How can we learn to understand and accept the paradox of control? The less we resist, the more agency we gain through the acceptance of whatever we encounter.

None of these responses come from an approach that is totally correct or exact or absolute. Rather these strategies are adaptive, making room for the flaws, fluctuations, fluidity, and the unexpected. Life is dynamic, ever-changing, which requires openness, awareness, preparedness, flexibility, and the ability to make adjustments, big and small.

When perfection eludes us, can we redirect our focus on process and progress?

When our efforts at achieving balance become a precarious feat, can we instead discover and recover through resilience?

When our sense of control dissolves in our grasp, can we find peace through acceptance and courage?

If we think less about chasing the mirages on the long highway of life, we might relax and enjoy the drive, soak in the landscape around us, and trust the journey.