The Olympics of Relationships
Photo by Takmeomeo
As I couples therapist, I can’t think about relationships without imagining the symbol of the Olympic rings. Not only because I think the sport, fine art, and heroic feat of navigating relationships should be Olympian-worthy, but also because it represents the idea of very unique and distinct entities coming together—united.
The Olympic rings symbolize each of the five continents, from their own respective cultures and climates, speaking their own languages, and bringing a wide range of values and beliefs. Yet they are interconnected, part of a global community.
Similarly, in relationships, each individual partner comes to the table with their own unique life experiences, coming from our own distinct cultural backgrounds and family climates. We bring our values, beliefs, aspirations and expectations, and we speak our own respective “love languages.” Finding ways to interconnect and interact with one another is not always smooth, easy or straight forward.
Some variables are more prevalent in relationships than others. For example, our “attachment style” comes from our earliest relationships (parents or primary caregivers). So our early life experiences play a role in our relationships throughout the lifespan. As an extension of that, our community and social influences (school, friends, religion, professional experiences, etc.) can also have a strong impact on how we view the world and consequently, how we move through it.
In this article (video) we will explore five basic categories of romantic partnerships. However, these are not rigid, absolute, or static classifications. Relationships are living and dynamic entities. So too, are the ways our needs and interactions change as we evolve in partnership.
Independence in the context of relationships is when we recognize one another as separate, different and distinct beings. It’s the ability to honor autonomy or self-determination, allowing each partner to have their own unique desires, needs, interests, experiences, and feelings. At the earliest stages of a relationship, we may want to maintain a certain degree of independence as we progressively develop trust in a new partner, and better understand ourselves in relationship to that particular partner. Independence may also exist in more established relationships. Connection over time helps to foster comfort, familiarity and security which can be conducive to providing space for individual interests and activities.
Mutuality is when we exist side by side in partnerships. It’s our capacity to move in the same direction, aligned by a shared vision (e.g. lifestyles, priorities, future aspirations, etc). This is the dance we do to respect our own needs and care for ourselves, while simultaneously respecting the needs and caring for the relationship. It’s how we stay true to ourself, while not imposing our personal interests or expectations on our partner. We care for the relationship by focusing on our common interests, goals and/or values.
Interdependence is the quality of being interconnected, while maintaining the integrity of our individual selves. This offers us the ability to both rely on one another and understand how and when to meet our own needs. This is constantly fluctuating and depends on countless variables. Sometimes we feel more interconnected by spending quality time together, feeling understood and valued, or focusing on a shared goal. At other times, we are less interconnected, especially when work, family demands, or separate priorities pull us in different directions. However, in an interdependent relationship, we operate from a place of security and acceptance that our sense of connection will inevitably ebb and flow. This requires flexibility, tolerance, patience and understanding from both partners.
Dependence has a bad rap in our western culture. We sometimes associate it with weakness, because we like to think of ourselves as self-sufficient and self-reliant. Lest we forget that it is our ability to depend on one another that has kept us (and our ancestors) alive throughout the millennia. In our earliest life experience, we learn to depend on our parents/caregivers for food, nurture, and protection. As we grow older we begin to depend on our extended community (teachers, friends, mentors, etc). Early dependence teaches us how to feel safe and secure—dependability. The ability to depend on those around us helps to establish a foundation of “secure attachment.” It’s a paradox. Dependence helps us to successfully navigate independence, mutuality and interdependence in relationships, because it allows us to operate from a deeply rooted, solid and safe place within ourselves.
Co-dependency is when we forfeit a part of ourself to the relationship. Two broken halves do not make a whole! When our sense of self depends solely on our partner (or our partner’s behavior or needs), we risk hindering our own growth, not to mention the potential of the relationship. We often associate this with addiction or substance abuse, but financial and emotional co-dependence are not uncommon. If our identity morphs to avoid conflict, to feel needed, or to maintain the status quo, we may find ourselves perpetuating unhealthy patterns or enabling dysfunctional behavior. In this dynamic, neither partner is their true or fullest self.
Integration is the “linkage of differentiated parts,” according to Dan Siegel MD, a leader in interpersonal neurobiology, psychology, and more. Partnerships are the integration of distinct and different individuals. No relationship is the same. Wherever we fall among these categories in our own personal experiences, we must remember these are evolving and fluctuating dynamics. That’s how progress and growth work. Sometimes we need more closeness. Sometimes we need more space.
Like the symbol of the Olympic rings, our relationships should represent who each partner is individually, as well as who we are together. As every continent on the globe is unique, we must approach the “culture” of our relationships the same way— with understanding, curiosity, acceptance, appreciation, and respect for change.