How to Survive Competition & Rejection
I wasn’t exactly the last person to be picked for the kickball team in my middle school PE class, but I certainly was not among the first. I would watch as all the boys were chosen (the more egalitarian teachers would make us alternate boy/girl selections), then the most athletic girls, followed by the most attractive girls. Finally, the designated “team captains” would be forced to pick from whoever was left. It was an excruciating process.
Perhaps those ruthless selection strategies were, unbeknownst to us, preparing us for the unavoidable life experience of rejection. There are certainly worse rejections than not being the first-chosen for the kickball team. Most of us have experienced this in countless ways over our lifespan.
From a young age, we may have felt rejected by a parent, an older sibling or a peer group we admired. Despite our greatest efforts, we may have received a disappointingly low grade on a school project, or been cut from our team sport. We may have been turned down, ghosted or humiliated by a love interest. We may not have been selected for the job we wanted, or were denied admission to our favorite university.
In addition to all these inevitable life experiences, we now seem to be living in a cancel-culture era. Any misstep risks being publicly ostracized, unfollowed, ridiculed—Deleted! It may be appropriate to hold people accountable for their mistakes, ignorance, or insensitivity, but the way in which we have applied rejection as a punitive social consequence can cause unintended damage rooted deep in our evolutionary past.
How we inherited rejection and why it hurts
Historically, our ancient ancestors were forced to reject or ostracize from the tribe any member who posed a threat to the tribe as a whole. (Many animal species still implement this Darwinian strategy.) As a result, members who were ill, disabled, weak, or otherwise unable to contribute to the tribe’s livelihood, were often ousted. Left alone in the world to fend for themselves, their chances of survival were slim.
From an evolutionary perspective, this is likely why the feeling of being rejected activates our brain in much the same way as physical pain. We subconsciously experience rejection as a direct threat to our survival and wellbeing. For example, when we find out we weren’t invited to our friend’s birthday celebration, the psychological sting registers very much the same as if we were stung by a wasp.
How we try to avoid rejection
Our evolutionary relationship with social rejection and the significance of being rejected (alone in the world without support), has resulted in a variety of adaptive and self-preserving behaviors. These include everything from projecting a false identity (concealing our perceived flaws and faults), to endlessly sacrificing our time, energy, or values at our own expense. We tend to morph and act in ways with the hope of proving ourselves relevant and useful to whatever is the modern day translation of our “tribe."
The potential threat of rejection also drives us to competition—a more primitive, yet still prevalent skill. To be clear, not all competition is bad. Economically-speaking, it serves to improve overall quality of performance or product, and helps to prevent complacency. However, what used to be necessary in order to survive—competing for food resources, safe and viable places to live, desirable mates, etc.—now risks the complete opposite outcome for us as human beings. If we continue to view one another as a threat or potential enemy, we will act in a way that is driven by fear and based in an antiquated approach to survival. Healthy competition can quickly turn toxic.
If we are not rooted in a sense of safety and security, a deep sense of confidence and self-trust, we may turn to competition or psychological compensation as a substitute. Those who lack a genuine sense of themselves, depend heavily on external validation, and struggle to find purpose and belonging, may be more likely to puff themselves up with grandiose projections of how they want others to see them. It’s the peacock strategy. Superficial perhaps, but highly reinforced in certain sects of our society.
Stuck in a vicious cycle
There are a few problems with this approach. The relentless and desperate need to compete, to compensate, or to prove oneself is driven by the perception that serious threat is lurking around every corner. We begin to believe that if we are not good, successful, attractive, rich, or powerful enough, we will be rejected. Ousted from the tribe.
When we feel threatened, the sympathetic (fight/flight) part of our nervous system becomes dominant. Experiencing this kind of psychological threat over time contributes to chronic stress (along with all the associated physical/mental health risk factors), and keeps us caught in a self-perpetuating feedback loop.
Our sense of threat is temporarily muted only when we feel that others believe us to be “enough.” However, this sense of safety is tenuous. As insecurities creep up again, we return to that stressed out state, which is further exacerbated by the pressure to maintain our facade. This is not only disingenuous to ourselves and others, it also reinforces our insecurities and loneliness in what becomes a vicious cycle. The more we need to flaunt our peacock feathers, the more deflated we feel when we are not all puffed up. This pattern keeps us stuck in a trap where we desperately fear rejection, feel forced to compete or prove ourselves by compensating for what we perceive as shortcomings, and ultimately contributes to a society that is rooted in deception and disconnection.
Breaking free and moving forward
Alternatively, we can consciously choose to cultivate skills which allow us to be true to who we are, provide a sense of freedom, and help us to advance both individually and collectively. When we realize we no longer have to compete for our physical survival in the same way our ancestors did, we are called to develop new, updated strategies.
In our modern day society, with growing tension between political parties, global unrest, and deep idealogical divides, our survival is once again at risk. Our country, our communities, our families have begun to rip apart at the seams, to say nothing of international relationships.
The challenge we face now depends on a different approach to this threat. Our more evolved survival strategies must incorporate collaboration, creativity, compromise, compassion, and connection. Coincidentally, the survival of our ancestors in their respective tribes depended on these qualities as well. They learned they needed to trust and depend on one another if they wanted to survive.
If we begin to view ourselves as part of the same tribe, one big human community, how might our stance shift?
When we feel safe and supported in our environment, the parasympathetic (rest/digest/repair) part of our nervous system allows us access to our higher, executive brain function, which includes problem-solving, creativity, and cooperation. Kelly McGonigal tells us that stress drives connection by releasing oxytocin, our “cuddle hormone.” This requires us to choose to connect rather than compete with one another.
The reality for those of us who live in the Western world, is that our society can be competitive, and we are subject to rejection in a number of ways. However, our challenge is to invite the more evolved qualities of humanity—collaboration, creativity, compassion, and connection—so that we may not only survive, but rather we may contribute to a world that thrives.