The Paradox of Acceptance

Photo by Alexander Belotte

We are one month into a new year. Goals and intentions have been set forth. Social media is saturated with resources on how to adhere to our resolutions and ensure success in our endeavors of improved fitness, relationships, and careers. 

We are bombarded with confusing messages about accepting where we are. Yet, we are encouraged to think about making positive changes in our lives. We are warned about the dangers of becoming complacent, and simultaneously inundated with strategies for self-care. How do we balance these opposing forces in our cultural narrative?  

Our society challenges us to strive, to improve, to advance, to achieve more. By this standard, the concept of “acceptance” almost implies a sense of complacence, status quo, or forfeit. If we accept something, are we in agreement? Are we complicit? Are we saying “okay” to the extra 20-pounds, the stagnant marriage, the monotonous job, the nagging anxiety, the pervasive injustices in our world? If we accept things as they are, how do we expect anything to change?

Acceptance vs. Denial

I was raised within a family and culture where people were skillful at the art of selective memory. Even the hardships—wartime, financial strain, child abuse, divorce, depression—were often brushed over and remembered with a sweet sentimentality. “I honestly don’t remember anyone arguing.” “We didn’t have much, but we didn’t know it.” “It wasn’t easy, but we were happy.”

Parents, teachers, and coaches encouraged us to overcome our obstacles, whether related to physical injury, mental health, social stress or other life tribulation, with some combination of sheer determination, duty, and denial. 

In our social media culture where appearance is everything, denial is both implicit and explicit. Implicitly, we hide who we are. We only post what we want people to see, carefully managing others’ perceptions of us. More explicitly, we may hear ourselves say things like: “I don’t drink that much, just during the holidays.” “The teacher always blames my son, but it’s not his fault.” “I don’t know where the money goes.” “She’s just under a lot of stress, that’s why she yells at the kids like that.” 

We deny our limitations, our self-defeating behaviors, our vulnerabilities, and our propensity to be hurt by others. We are poised to defend ourselves and those we love against any potential attack of judgement, criticism or lack of approval.

We now understand how some of these defense mechanisms are highly adaptive. As an evolving species, we have learned over time how to minimize or selectively mute certain painful or difficult life experiences as a means of ensuring our survival. If every life threatening event our ancestors endured resulted in paralyzing panic attacks, we likely would not be here.

In today’s world, we have become better informed on how the chronic stress of modern life (to include our preoccupation with social media) can be toxic and threatening to our physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing over time. Ironically, in response to this health crisis of the 21st century, we return to the wisdom of ancient traditions for the antidote. 

Strong evidence from the research points to the effectiveness of alternative approaches such as meditation, qigong, yoga, etc. The common thread which connects them? Mindful awareness of the present moment and honest acceptance of what is.

Acceptance vs. Complacency

Despite the evidence, in our success and achievement driven society, the concept of acceptance seems like the very antithesis of a happy, fulfilling, and successful life. How can we accept things as they are when we want them to be different? Are we meant to accept powerlessness, inadequacy, limitations, defeat, injustices? If we accept the way things are, does that mean we have given up, surrendered, forfeited?

People often mistake acceptance with complacency. They are actually quite different and it is important to understand the difference. 

Complacency is a passive, apathetic, indifferent, and banal sense of satisfaction. It has been said, “Familiarity breeds complacency.” This implies we are more prone to complacency when we prefer to stay with what we know. We don’t try. We avoid. We become stuck. The paralyzing state of inertia entraps us like a fly in a web. As Notre-Dame football coach Lou Holtz famously put it, “In this world, you’re either growing or you’re dying, so get in motion and grow.”

Holtz’s bootstrap mentality might resonate for some, but its approach is more consistent with our achievement-driven society, which as we’ve identified, can also be counterproductive. It’s especially challenging if we are prone to anxiety, depression, or simply overwhelmed by the daily demands of our lives or the dire state of affairs in the world which render us immobilized.

Though somewhat counterintuitive, the most effective remedy for inertia, complacency, and forfeit is acceptance. It appears to be a paradox—accepting things as they are. Accepting a feeling of overwhelm. Accepting not knowing what to do. Accepting what is (even if we don’t like how it is).  

Accepting the way things seem in the present moment, does not mean we acquiesce or assume that is how things will always be. 

Acceptance is an affirmative action step. It invites us to approach a situation, to pay attention with openness and awareness so we can see more clearly from where we stand. Acceptance requires us to bring an honest and truthful understanding of ourselves in any given circumstance. It depends on a sense of confidence in our selves and trust of our experiences. Complacency, on the other hand, defers to distrust, fear of change, and pervasive doubt.

Change via Acceptance

The biggest difference between acceptance and complacency is the potential for growth and change. A Holtz-ish metaphor: Acceptance allows us to stay in the game, to participate by genuinely showing up as ourselves. Complacency keeps us on the bench, not trying— a passive bystander.

Acknowledging and accepting who and where we (and others) are standing is a critical step in progressing to where we aspire. As esteemed psychologist Carl Rogers said, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”

Acceptance is a key concept in the recovery of substance abuse, trauma, grief/loss, and various illness and afflictions. Of course we need to recognize and identify was needs to be changed, but in order to do so, we must first connect with that honest voice of acceptance. “This is.” Or as Tara Brach often teaches in her powerful R.A.I.N. meditations, “This belongs.”

Actor, Michael J. Fox, who has been living with Parkinson’s Disease since 1991 states, “My happiness grows in direct proportion to my acceptance, and in inverse proportion to my expectations.”

Acceptance, according to Fox, clearly does not imply resignation. The type of acceptance that precedes change, whether by choice or necessity, is a courageous form of surrender. Not the kind of surrender that waves a white flag or screams “uncle!” It is a letting go in a way that allows a solid ground to grow beneath our feet. 

According to Albert Einstein, “Once we accept our limits, we go beyond them.” When we know and accept where we stand, we become better able to accept the challenges we encounter. 

By approaching instead of avoiding, acknowledging rather than denying, and accepting what is, we open up the opportunity to heal. Like the finger traps we used to get in party favor bags, the more you pull, the more it tightens, keeping you stuck in the trap. When we move toward acceptance of a situation, we realize more effective ways of getting unstuck. 

Our aspirations may be global or individual, political or personal, physical or psychological.  Rather than getting caught in the struggle, we have a powerful alternative, an effective paradox. It begins with acceptance.