Redefining Forgiveness and How to Heal Without It
“May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears.”
~Nelson Mandela
There are many quotes about the power of forgiveness from admirable people who have suffered and found ways to forgive unimaginable abuses. Nelson Mandela, Mahatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr., and Corrie Ten Boom have all exemplified the importance of forgiveness.
We may aspire to reach this saintly level, but for many of us forgiveness can seem impossible when we feel deeply wronged. This is especially true when the offender does not express any remorse or regret.
“Forgiveness makes me feel weak and vulnerable,” my friend Vanessa explained. I have known her since the first grade. She’s one of those friends with whom no matter how much time or distance passes, we share an unexplainable understanding of one another. Of course, we’ve had our share of challenges and conflicts, but somehow our multi-decade friendship has endured. I feel even more fortunate to still have Vanessa as a friend because she’s a notorious, self-proclaimed “grudge-holder.” Somehow, thankfully, I’ve been spared the sharp end of that friendship-splitting blade. Though, heaven knows I haven’t always been the ideal friend!
At some point we all make mistakes and have felt offended by the actions of others. We can be hurt in a plethora of ways, from overt abuse and injustice, to social infractions and insensitive oversights. These are subjective experiences with varying degrees of transgression. What upsets or offends one person may be experienced very differently by someone else.
The latin word for forgive is “perdonare,” which means “to give completely, without reservation.”
This literal and limited definition seems to disregard context. Is the objective to forgive freely regardless of the situation? What would happen if we continued to offer trust, consent, and loyalty without reservation, even after we’ve been violated?
As the saying goes, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” Human beings are oriented toward self-preservation and survival. We have evolved as a species by learning from our mistakes and life’s hard lessons. We avoid future injury by ensuring we do not put ourselves in harm’s way again. This is true for learning not to put our hand on a hot stove, as well as retreating from relationships that feel unsafe.
Safety First and Understanding Our Responses
By taking the time to explore how we respond in hurtful or threatening situations, we gain deeper insight into ourselves. We discover what shapes our values and perspectives, our boundaries and trigger points, and our overall capacity to restore a sense of safety.
1) The dynamics of our earliest relationships: What’s your family history?
Observing and experiencing “rupture and repair” in our first/primary relationships helps us to establish a solid foundation. For example, if our caregivers argued with us or with each other without reconnecting, communicating effectively and establishing resolution, it will likely impact the way we respond to conflict (rupture) in our subsequent relationships. You may believe any upset in a relationship is your fault and take excessive responsibility. Or you might immediately take this as a sign to escape the relationship because it no longer feels safe. However, if we have experienced or witnessed significant conflict, along with the capacity to work through it (by means of respectful communication, empathy, and resolution), we learn it’s possible to repair a relationship. This allows us to feel less triggered and better prepared to handle the inevitable conflict that arises in future relationships.
2) The nature of our current relationship: Who hurt you?
Typically, the people closest to us, those we trust, are the ones who have the potential to hurt us the most. Vanessa clarified this point, “I pride myself on keeping a very tight circle of people who I consider family. When betrayal happens to me with someone in my inner circle, the hurt is immense. I am a very loyal person and when someone that I love is not loyal to me, that cuts very deeply.”
3) The consequences of the offense: What’s the ripple effect?
Some wrongdoings carry with them a vast ripple effect by which we continue to be impacted over time. When an initial assault results in ongoing or compensatory injuries, the ripple effect can be far reaching. PTSD (or Complex-PTSD) is the most obvious example where an acute trauma or chronic abuse creates longterm emotional or social hardships. Betrayal, abandonment, humiliation, and rejection also have the potential to compromise our ability to trust or feel safe in future relationships. Whereas more isolated insults or slights may have a less lasting impact.
Reframe the Meaning
Forgiveness implies taking the high road, being the bigger or better person. However, we might reconsider what forgiveness means (and what it does not mean) in order to better understand it and access its benefits.
Research indicates there may be significant health benefits of forgiveness, to include improved sleep, lowered cholesterol levels, and reduction in anxiety and depression. How can we experience the benefits of forgiveness without explicitly forgiving the person who has hurt or offended us?
Is forgiveness necessary to heal our wounds?
Forgiveness does not mean exoneration nor reconciliation. It does not entail staying in an abusive relationship, making excuses or taking responsibility for someone else’s bad behavior, or absolving injury or insult.
Sometimes it’s not possible to offer forgiveness to another person, either because they are no longer alive or accessible, or because it doesn’t feel safe or appropriate for us to do so. That does not mean we should forfeit the benefits of forgiveness. What is it about forgiveness that appears to be so good for our mental and physical health?
The benefits of forgiveness are consistent with those of a balanced nervous system. When we are free from threat, we tend to feel more calm, less stressed, and less caught up in ruminating about something that has happened or something outside of our control. When we feel safe, we are more relaxed and better able to access other bodily systems that are critical to our overall health (ie. cardiovascular, immune, endocrine, etc).
If we disqualified the term “forgiveness” from any given transgression, what would be our goal for resolving it? Re-conceptualize what this means for you. Create a more nuanced vocabulary customized to specific situations.
Imagine you’ve been hurt, violated, embarrassed, or offended by someone you trusted. What would help you to find peace or resolution on the other side of that specific experience? Perhaps you’d long to be free—free from pain, free from ruminating, free from sadness, free from a victimized narrative. Perhaps you’d want to feel understood, vindicated, or compensated. Perhaps you’d want to feel your sense of control, consent, and power restored.
In an article on forgiveness, researcher Roy Baumeister states, “Forgiveness is an individual, or intrapsychic phenomenon… (which) occurs inside the mind and heart of the victim.” From this perspective, we might reconsider what it means to forgive, or in some cases, what it means not to forgive. What if we were more oriented toward discovering peace and resolution within ourselves versus focusing so much on pardoning the person who has offended us?
Forgiveness might signify a quality of releasing, letting go, and feeling free from an offense, rather than the idea of excusing or reconciling with the person who offended us.
We may still experience uncomfortable feelings (sadness, loss, pain, anger, resentment, etc). However, the “intrapsychic” and internal process of understanding and learning from those feelings may ultimately help us to become less tangled or burdened by the offending or upsetting experience.
In prioritizing resolution instead of reconciliation, healing rather than pardoning, we may discover more clarity of our own experience. With our perspective less clouded, we might also gain insights into the context, history, and underlying intentions of the person who has harmed us. We might be able to access empathy and understanding regardless of our decision or capacity to forgive.
When we take the time to explore, identify, and redefine our experience, we are able to discover what resolution (not forgiveness or absolution) looks and feels like for us. Through this unique and personal process we may experience a resulting peace of mind and transformation that feels more relevant, more achievable, and more fulfilling.
When It’s a One-Person Show
(and you’re the star)
When we either choose or find ourselves in a situation in which conventional forgiveness is not possible, take heart! The perks of forgiveness are still within our reach:
Understand the offense— What is the most upsetting aspect of the transgression? Does it remind you of another relationship in your life (past or present)? What are the “ripple effects?” How is the original offense continuing to impact you?
Feel your feelings and be curious what they have to teach— Anger can be mobilizing and move us to act on our own behalf. Betrayal can help us establish appropriate boundaries. Loss or sadness can teach us how to be nurtured and comforted. Fear can help us to plan or prepare. What are you learning from your emotional guides?
Distinguish INTRA-personal from INTER-personal— The benefits of forgiveness do not necessarily require another person. Identify areas in which you have control right here and now. What choices can you make or steps can you take to protect, liberate, unburden, and restore yourself to peace and safety? If you are choosing an intrapersonal (or internal) approach, it’s important not to depend on someone else’s response (apology, acknowledgment, validation, etc) to establish your sense of resolution.
Transcend through the experience— “Sometimes it’s better for me to let someone go, so I know I won’t be hurt again,” Vanessa explained. There is no rancor or ire in her tone. It is simply what is right for her, what brings her peace. Often times, we learn the most about ourselves through life’s painful lessons. The objective is not to avoid the bumps and bruises. The objective is to grow by reaching beyond our limitations and to discover more about ourselves and our values though the process.