The Search for Belonging (Hint: Look Inside!)
“Our life’s journey is the task of refining our belonging so that it may become more loving and free.”
~John O’Donohue
Beth’s father was in the military. Every time he received a new assignment, it required the family to move. She grew up in various cities around the world. Thrust into a foreign place, she would acclimate to new cultures that would change again every couple years. Naturally quite shy, she struggled to make friends she knew she could not keep and to find her way in ever-shifting social dynamics.
Over time, she found ways to adjust more quickly. She learned how to initiate conversations with other kids, and took extra desserts in her lunch to share with her classmates. At her international school, she worked hard to impress her teachers and was consistently rewarded with top grades. She joined sports and clubs, and kept herself as busy as she could so she wouldn’t have time to notice how lonely she was.
Everyone craves a sense of belonging.
To feel accepted and connected to others is a core human need.
Historically, being alone —without support, protection or belonging— reduced an individual’s chance of survival. We are inherently wired to be part of a larger whole… a common cause, a community, a family. Belonging not only ensures physical safety, but (perhaps even more importantly) it reinforces psychological safety as well.
When a child has a deeply trusting relationship with a caregiver, they develop the reassurance that there is someone who will love, support, and protect them. From that stable foundation, children develop the confidence to initiate separation and to explore the world around them with the assurance of a safe and reliable place to return, aka home base.
Finding Your Tribe
…and Navigating Rejection
Belonging is the essence of secure attachment.
This does not automatically assume that it comes from our family of origin. It’s become quite common for people to opt for a “Friendsgiving” instead of the traditional Thanksgiving, because the environment they were raised in feels neither safe nor supportive. To feel unseen, invalid, or misunderstood by those who are supposed to know us can be confusing and disillusioning.
Often it is specific circumstances or similarities that bring people together. We tend to migrate toward those who have shared values and perspectives. When we believe others are on our side, we feel safe and motivated to engage. We experience connection through our belonging, and develop confidence in who we are and the role we play.
Anyone who survived middle school can likely relate to the importance, yet precarious nature of belonging. To find a community where we feel accepted and included provides us with a sense of safety. However, that sense of belonging can be superficial and temporary. We might only belong when we look a certain way, or work at a specific company in a particular capacity, or date a partner that is “acceptable.”
Belonging can feel conditional and dependent on how well we comply and conform to accommodate the standards or expectations of others.
Feeling alone while surrounded by people is a painfully isolating experience. Forced separation (even subtle exclusion) from a group is experienced as a form of punishment. In prison, solitary confinement is reserved for the most egregious offenses. To be ostracized, expelled, or canceled from society can present an existential threat to our nervous system. Rejection activates the same areas of the brain as physical pain.
People who feel separated by society, marginalized or disenfranchised, lack a sense of belonging. Typically this happens to varying degrees when people feel different or unacceptable in some way to include: appearance (body type, skin tone, etc), status (power, socioeconomic, racial/cultural, gender/sexual identification), or circumstances (trauma, disability, injury).
We adapt to separation (rejection, abandonment, exclusion, etc) by developing ways to protect ourselves.
Individuals like Beth, learn how to shapeshift to fit in. They pretzel themselves into something or someone else to avoid upsetting or disappointing others.
Some may become hypervigilant and avoid taking risks. They only venture where they know they will be accepted. Whatever is unfamiliar is perceived as threatening.
Others develop a sense of forfeit, apathy or indifference. By withdrawing or making ourselves emotionally or physically inaccessible, we might feel protected from potential rejection. (“I didn’t want your love/ acceptance/ approval anyway!”) We might convince ourselves we don’t care or are not interested. As Groucho Marx famously put it, “I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.”
Belonging from the Inside Out
“If I feel like if I belong somewhere, I can go anywhere.”
Sustainable belonging delves beneath the surface and gives us the permission to show up exactly as we are, including our mistakes, failures, and flaws. When we experience that kind of connection, we have the opportunity to develop the courage to be vulnerable and a deeper trust in ourselves and others. Creating a culture where we can share both positive and negative experiences without fear of judgment or rejection allows us to feel more authentic and free to be ourselves.
As an adult, Beth discovered how important stability and consistency was for her. She continued to live in the same town where she went to college. Still very active in her school and community, she was able to invest in developing her friendships. Gradually, she began to prioritize more time with herself. She was eager to discover who she truly was when she wasn’t constantly contorting herself to fit into the latest scene.
Eventually, she reduced her extracurricular activities to a local rowing club and a monthly volunteer gig. She realized the travel she did as a child was something she found exciting, in spite of her anxiety. She started crafting annual travel adventures on her own terms. “If I feel like if I belong somewhere, I can go anywhere,” she said.
In cultivating a sense of belonging not only in her community, but within herself, Beth experienced a freedom she had never known. Inner belonging means developing a secure base inside of ourselves, one that cannot be easily damaged or taken from us.
We create a safe haven within by accepting ourselves for who we are, forgiving ourselves for who we are not, and finding ways to nurture and care for ourselves through the process.
By connecting with ourselves in this way, we develop a fearless belonging. Our sense of confidence, trust, and security begins to generate from the inside. And like Beth, we discover the more we belong to ourself, the more we are able to experience belonging wherever we go.
5 ways to cultivate belonging from within:
Invite an honest curiosity (without judgement) about who you are in your current life situation as well as what you’ve experienced in the past.
Allow yourself to be a whole and real person. Integrate the “good” and the “bad” by identifying your strengths and weakness, successes and failures. Acknowledge the truth in how they co-exist.
Embrace the paradox. Make space for the possibility that there is true strength in vulnerability and genuine confidence in humble acceptance of our flaws.
Take an inventory of your interests, goals, and dreams. Give yourself permission to cross out whatever feels outdated and add any new sources of inspiration.
Know you belong to yourself unconditionally. Learn how to validate (not justify) your own experience. No one is perfect. The more we accept this, the more space we give ourselves to grow.