Strength Through Our Differences
When I was growing up, there was a popular feature in Highlights (a magazine for children), that was called “Spot the Difference.” It presented two almost identical illustrations designed to teach children the skills of observation and how to notice the subtle differences.
The ability to distinguish and differentiate is fundamental to our understanding of the world and how we live in it. From an early age, children are aware of variations in gender, race, and age. We inherently seem to understand and appreciate that differences exist between us. Recent research indicates that infants as young as seven months old may have a sensitivity toward others’ experiences. Over time, this awareness of our human differences becomes more sophisticated.
Or does it?
As adults we seem to struggle to allow others the right to be different, especially when we have a vested interest in the relationship. We may expect our partners, children, friends and family to be like us and agree with us. Conflict arises when we discover we have different beliefs, different identities, different values, different priorities.
“Where do I end and you begin?”
We experience conflict when we resist our (or another’s) right to be different.
When my husband and I first started dating 18 years ago, it was a common contention between us that he didn’t like to do the things I liked to do (eg. try new restaurants, travel to exotic places, etc). He would say, “I don’t want to change you. Please don’t try to change me.” That didn’t go over very well with me at first. After all, my hope was that I would find a partner who I could grow and change with over time.
In the early stages of an intimate relationship, the line between partners can feel a little blurred. When you really dig someone, it’s common to want to spend every moment together. A dopamine-rich cocktail of hormones flood our body and brain to promote a physical and psychological connection. We may find ourselves making sacrifices or compromises to reinforce that connection. We may even feel like we’ve lost a part of ourself in the process. This is how a relationship is initially forged.
As a relationship evolves we are faced with the challenge of balancing individuation with intimacy.
These are not mutually exclusive concepts. In fact, the viability of one can support the vitality of the other.
In honoring ourselves as unique and separate individuals, we deepen our capacity for true connection. When we experience genuine intimacy, we feel confident to be our real and uncensored selves.
We learn to appreciate our differences by consciously understanding the tapestry of who we are (our thoughts, feelings, needs, values, desires, etc). Not only are differences inherent for each of us based on our diverse range of life experiences. Those very differences actually turn out to be a significant source of resilience, vitality, and survival.
Variety is the Spice of Life
Diversity supports our existence.
The Gifts of Diversity:
When we consume a wide variety of foods, we access a plethora of vitamins, minerals, and proteins that all benefit us in different ways. A diverse microbiome in our body promotes a strong immune system.
Biodiversity refers to the abundant variety of life on Earth. From lush, tropical rainforests to sandy, Saharan dunes, the wide spectrum of species (eg. birds, plants, insects, and fungi) that thrive in different environments work together to keep our planet in balance.
Cultural diversity exposes us to different life experiences and perspectives that offer valuable knowledge and insights on how to survive in various conditions.
Cultivating novelty in our approach to the world and developing new skills will strengthen our neurological pathways through neuroplasticity.
When we experience a range of various emotions along a continuum, we have emodiversity. Recent research indicates that regardless of whether the feelings are positive or negative, widening our emotional bandwidth promotes physical and mental health. Opening ourselves up to the myriad of human emotion allows us to expand our capacity to live life with a greater sense of awareness and appreciation. This emotional proficiency enhances our ability to better connect with ourselves and others in our respective journeys.
Differentiation in Relationships
…cultivates self-awareness and fosters empathy, authenticity, and integrity.
Giving each other permission to be different is the foundation of a healthy relationship. The more we are able to hold space for ourselves to be who we are, the better we become at holding space for others to honor who they are.
Differentiation requires that we be honest, vulnerable, and take personal responsibility. We discover how to validate, comfort, and reassure ourselves so we don’t get tangled up in someone else’s experience, emotionally project, or place unrealistic expectations on others.
When we feel secure in ourself, we can access a genuine interest and curiosity about others. We truly begin to understand and appreciate the differences between ourselves and those with whom we are in relationship. We are able to accept this is an ambiguous and nuanced process, and we are able to tolerate any tension or conflict that may naturally emerge from our differences.
What I’ve learned in my own relationship is that we are different. We are in different stages, have different life experiences and sometimes different priorities. I’ve learned how to allow and appreciate where we diverge, because it’s provided me an opportunity to figure out what’s important to me and why. Then, to make a sincere effort to understand what’s important to him and why.
Different doesn’t mean wrong. It means diverse, the same kind of diversity that promotes variety, novelty, resilience, vitality, expansion, and connection. If we lean into our differences, we realize how much we can learn and grow both individually and in our relationships.