Inspiring Imperfection in a Season of Comparison
We may imagine summer as a season of ease and freedom—barefoot in the grass, sun on your skin, wind in your hair— but for many of us, it’s also a time that evokes contradiction and comparison. We promise to slow down and find our flow, yet we’re acutely aware of the days slipping away. We crave unstructured time, but somehow cram our schedules with as much as possible, determined to make the most of every extra hour of daylight.
The paradox doesn’t end there. We peel away layers of clothing, only to scrutinize the bodies beneath. We expose not just our skin but our vulnerabilities and insecurities. Beach holidays and pool parties entice us to be carefree and savor the moment, but often we find ourselves stuck in an old script—measuring our bodies against others, or against our own from summers past.
I’m no stranger to comparison. Growing up in the 80s and 90s, I absorbed a singular, myopic standard: thin was in! Media and pop culture presented a narrow definition of beauty, reinforcing the idea that worth is directly tied to size and appearance. It didn’t help that as a gymnast, I spent much of my childhood in a leotard, alongside my lifelong best friend who always weighed twenty pounds less than me. (Still my best friend, and still 20lbs lighter!) I was also surrounded by women who constantly criticized their bodies and made self-deprecating comments about their looks.
The Goalposts of Beauty
If “beauty is in the eye of the beholder,” whose eye?
For generations, women have been conditioned to be small and apologetic—not too loud, not too demanding, never taking up too much space. We internalize the cultural messages and adapt to the fickle social trends. By constantly referencing the external world, we struggle to know and accept ourselves. We perpetuate body stigmas, and outsource our self-worth and identity.
Historically, beauty ideals have swung from voluptuous to muscular, waif-like to svelte, or some precarious combination—big on top, small on bottom, or vice versa, depending on the gender, community, and season. What’s considered attractive in tribal communities on the other side of the globe is vastly different from what is fashionable on the streets of cosmopolitan centers.
Beauty is subjective and relative. Our beliefs, perceptions, and ideas are not only shaped by culture, but by our uniquely formative experiences.
People who were the smallest in their class or bullied may pursue strength or bulk.
Those in activities that valued thinness and malleability (eg. dance, theatre, etc) may strive to stay the same— an ageless, changeless commodity.
Survivors of sexual abuse or trauma may seek safety by accumulating layers of protection or trying to disappear altogether.
The implicit memories stored in our body are the silent architects of how we feel, act, and relate to the world. Our sense of self is not just a mental construct—it’s a living, embodied process.
Acceptance vs. Complacency
“If I accept myself as I am, will I let myself go?”
Our brains conserve energy by shifting into autopilot or default mode. It prefers what it knows to what is new or different. The messaging we receive early in life becomes part of our body-memory, a well-rehearsed and reinforced script which perpetually shapes our habits and perceptions. We often revert to old stories and beliefs, even if they’re untrue or self-destructive, simply because they’re familiar.
We may inadvertently cling to stigmas about body image, which only sabotage our efforts to change. The more we defer to external sources to determine our worthiness, the more we succumb to feelings of inadequacy, inferiority, and other variations of shame. Our sense of identity becomes compromised, and we consciously or subconsciously forfeit, either because we don’t see ourselves as worthy or we guard ourselves against potential disappointment or failure.
Many believe that only relentless self-criticism or punitive discipline will keep us on track. However, the way to defuse self-sabotage is by accepting and appreciating ourselves as we are right now.
Acceptance is not complacency.
It takes courage to admit we’re not where we want to be and perseverance to risk disappointment if change is slow or elusive. When we impose expectations or force ourselves into compliance, we fragment — the part that breaks the rules versus the part that abides. Learning to love and accept ourselves is integral to lasting change.
Perfectionism vs. Authenticity
“What is the best version of myself?”
We live in an era of photo filters, cosmetic tweaks, and dramatic celebrity transformations. Meanwhile, we also aspire to be more free, confident, and comfortable in our skin. We fight gravity, battle our imperfections, and age gracefully… or die trying.
These forces pull us in opposite directions creating an internal divide: the perfect, accommodating public self on one side, and the honest, messy self hidden in the shadows.
Perfection pushes us into a binary and absolute way of existing: all or nothing, good or bad, right or wrong. We neglect the nuance, the spectrum of progress, the inherent complexity of nature. We pigeonhole ourselves to fit expectations and fall into vicious cycles of failure, shame, and self-preservation.
“Perfection is self-abuse of the highest order,” according to clinical psychologist and author Anne Wilson Schaef.
Though rooted in the desire to be whole or complete, unrelenting perfectionism often disconnects us from our true selves.
In a fragmented state, we may not recognize who we see in the mirror, or our reflection becomes distorted (body dysmorphia). We override our needs, overcompensate for deficits, and dissociate from ourselves—body, mind, and spirit.
Self vs. Other
“Is self-love self-indulgent?”
There is a great deal of emphasis on the importance of relationships with others, and for good reason. Loving and supportive relationships in early childhood help us to feel more secure throughout life. The capacity to feel safe in connection with others (co-regulation) calms and heals our nervous system. Quality relationships are the strongest predictors of long-term health and happiness.
Our relationships with others can also teach us how to be in better relationship with ourselves. What makes you feel safe, understood, respected, and free to be yourself? When do you feel like you matter or belong?
To feel like we belong is a core human yearning. We develop a stronger sense of self when we feel like we matter independent of our appearance, achievement, or approval. While this often happens in relationship with others, we must be aware of our propensity to over-prioritize others or outsource our self-worth.
Why is it so difficult to love and accept ourselves unconditionally?
We tend to hold ourselves to a double standard, being less tolerant of our own mistakes or imperfections. We behave and talk to ourselves in ways we would never treat someone we care about.
Cultivating genuine self-love is the foundation for real change.
Just as investing in external relationships creates safety and trust, investing in the relationship with ourselves deepens our connection to who we are, not how we look. When we feel secure in ourselves, we can challenge ourselves appropriately while creating a true refuge within. The more we practice accepting ourself and forgiving our mistakes and shortcomings, the more we’re able to take risks and step outside our comfort zone.
By embracing imperfection, we create a more authentic and sustaining relationship with ourselves. We may aspire not to neglect, betray, or abandon ourself, but more importantly, we trust that we can always find our way back through forgiveness, repair and reconciliation with ourself.
Antidotes & Action Steps:
7 Ways to Love the Skin You’re In
Broaden your definition of beauty. Think like an anthropologist—notice beauty in unexpected places.
Remember, you’re not alone. Body image struggles are universal, regardless of size, skin tone, or gender.
Lead with compassion. When you catch yourself being self-critical, pause and ask: “Would I speak to a friend this way?”
Focus on your relationship with your body. Celebrate what your body can do —its strength, flexibility, and resilience— rather than just how it looks.
Practice being imperfect. Post a photo without filters, or share a story about a time you felt vulnerable but authentic. Remember: real is better than perfect.
Speak your “love language” to yourself: acts of service (meal prepping, resting), quality time (mindful movement, time in nature), gifts (treat yourself to something special), words of affirmation (positive self-talk), and physical touch (massage, stretching).
Cultivate self-awareness. Notice what feels nourishing and healthy for you rather than outsourcing your worth and standards to social media, pop culture, or people who don’t know or understand you.
The journey to self-acceptance is ongoing. It requires courage to reject narrow ideals and redefine what it means to be beautiful and whole. By shifting from autopilot to self- awareness and acceptance, we interrupt the cycles that hold us back through outdated stories and limiting self-beliefs. Unwind the false perceptions of the past to connect with a deeper understanding of who you are. Let go of the pressure to be perfect, and cultivate a more free and authentic relationship with yourself. This summer, give yourself permission to be fully, imperfectly you.
“Wholeness is not truly whole until it is all-inclusive.” ~Br. David Steindl-Rast