Enabling Empowerment~Helping Others... Or Are We?

The man we see everyday at the freeway off-ramp waves and offers a toothless smile, compelling us to dig into our parking-meter money for a donation. A close friend calls crying inconsolably after a recent break-up which has left her feeling hopeless about ever finding someone to love her. An adult child wants to move back home with his parents after being fired from his job. These are all vastly different situations, but with one thing in common: We want to help. When we see someone in need, our human nature is to give what we can, to provide relief from pain or discomfort, and even to try to fix the problem. This desire to help others is both an innate quality connected to survival, and it is also a part of our “golden rule” socialization. In addition, by making others feel better, we also experience relief and an increase in well-being by the activation of “reward circuits” in our brain.

However, is it possible to help too much? Of course in this country, there is a polarized political debate about this. All politics aside, when it comes to aiding someone in need, what is the difference between empowering and enabling?

To empower refers to the idea that an individual holds within themselves a source of power or control. In empowering others, we may offer tools, resources, or information they can then use to help themselves. In addition, conveying to someone the belief that they have the ability to improve their circumstances, liberates them from dependency on others, and gives them a sense of confidence that they can chart their own course and directly impact their future.

In the dictionary, the term enable has a nearly interchangeable definition with the word empower. It appears to be the other side of the same coin. Yet in this context, it has the opposite outcome. In the world of psychology, we often associate the concept of enabling in relation to co-dependency. It refers to allowing someone to stay in their current circumstances, protecting them from the discomfort of change (i.e. relationship patterns, career choices, substance use, etc.). Essentially, it is a good intention gone awry. Providing so much support that the persons we are attempting to help actually become complacent in their circumstances because they have no motivation to change or to help themselves.

Of course everyone needs a little extra support now and then. So how can we navigate between empowering and enabling in our relationships with our significant others, our children, our patients, our friends, our community, etc? How can we give in a way that helps others to learn how to provide for themselves? This can require establishing boundaries and limits, and knowing when to step back. Not to turn our back. But to promote a sense of ability, agency, and urgency, which is sometimes the only way to propel people to act on their own behalf.

"Smooth seas do not make skillful sailors." ~African Proverb