Anger Part 3: Finding Your Release Valve
We are taught to control it, conceal it, avoid it, deny it, deal with it. We are usually not taught to feel our anger, nor how expressing it effectively can be healthy for us.
Erik was always a rule follower. A model student, he was well-behaved and compliant. Yet even as a kid, he struggled with his anger. As he described it, “I had a long fuse, but when it blew, watch out!”
When we don’t find ways to express anger constructively, we may resort to violence in our words or actions.
His early effort to suppress anger became unsustainable as Erik grew older and experienced life’s challenges. Occasionally, his anger would fizzle out on its own. But more often, it became a wayward firehose of emotion, saturating everything and everyone around him. It wasn’t until he discovered part of the underlying causes of his anger that he was able to express and channel it effectively. Once he realized his passion for justice, it guided him to take action in valuable ways.
How to Respond to Anger
Impulsively reacting to anger can cause us to lose control, whereas thoughtfully responding to anger allows us to feel empowered.
Anger has the potential to create or to destroy. It can cultivate vitality, motivation, and meaningful boundaries. However, when we automatically react to anger without being aware of its impact, it can disrupt our mental/physical health and relationships.
Learning to respond to anger effectively helps to harness this powerful emotion so that it doesn’t hijack you unexpectedly. When we become more familiar with our subjective experience of anger, we are better able to access strategies to de-escalate.
Identify your anger
What do you notice when you feel angry? Where and how do you feel it in your body (eg. fists clench, heart rate quickens, face flushes, throat tightens, etc)?
Inquire what lies at the root of your emotional experience (eg. feelings of powerlessness, injustice, being judged, criticized, disrespected, etc).
Take time when you’re not feeling activated to get curious about how your anger impacts you and your relationships.
Self-regulate
Bring a sense of safety to your body. Take a deep breath with a long, extended exhale. This helps us calm down by inducing the parasympathetic (rest & digest) part of your nervous system.
Slow down. Create more space between you and your instinctive reaction. Moving in slow motion can increase a sense of agency in your response, and give the rational and decision-making parts of your brain time to get online.
Give yourself permission to pause. Stop adding fuel to the fire. Certain relationships or situations may provoke you more than others. Take a break from whatever might be inciting or exacerbating your anger.
Clean your lens
Are you seeing clearly? Like driving with a dirty windshield, your visibility (and reactions) can become obscured by physiological or psychological conditions (eg. fatigue, low blood sugar, hormonal imbalances, previous experiences, assumptions, expectations, etc). A true perception of what is making you angry also provides clarity in your response to it.
Zoom out to see the bigger picture. Anger initially and instinctively causes our focus (and perspective) to narrow. We are designed to hone in to assess and overcome any threat of danger. When you shift into a less reactive and more empowered state, you’re more likely to access wise discernment.
Make anger your ally
Learn from your anger. It represents aliveness and vitality, and connects to your deep core values. Make it work for you, rather than against you. Cultivating a safe relationship with anger can infuse you with a sense of purpose and conviction about your role in the world.
Acknowledge anger as an important protective response. “This (anger) belongs,” to borrow a phrase from Tara Brach. It arises to keep you and those you care about safe. What might you feel the need to protect or defend?
6 Ways to Express Anger
Experiencing anger and learning how to express it constructively, rather than destructively, can propel us forward and inspire change in positive and powerful ways.
There is a variety of options, ranging from strong to subtle, short-term to sustained over a period of time, individually, or collectively as a community. (Here are a few ways I express my anger)
Explore and experiment with what works best for you:
Sweat it out!
We eliminate toxins from our body through sweat and digestion. Similarly, we can also metabolize our anger through exercise and movement. Finding ways to discharge intense emotion is integral to our overall wellness. Run sprints, do some pushups, take a hike or a HIIT class, go to the batting cage or driving range.
Use your words!
“Name it to tame it,” is common saying in neurobiology. The benefits of either writing or talking about your feelings has been well-researched by James Pennebaker (University of Texas in Austin). Evidence indicates that verbally expressing emotions can improve creativity, immune function, and cognitive processes.
What’s your verbal purge of choice? Call a friend to vent. Start a new journal. Write an uncensored letter to someone (you don’t have to send it!). Even swearing can relieve the impact of intense emotions.
Unleash it!
Anger needs an outlet. Prioritize safety. Then, imagine what it means to tap into your wild side. Explore ways to blow off steam like punching a pillow or punching bag, screaming in the car with the windows rolled up, or blasting and thrashing to your favorite acid rock or grunge band.
Defuse it with creativity!
Like a live wire, anger can have an explosive impact. Defuse potentially harmful emotions by separating (de-fusing) what you FEEL from who you ARE as a person. Actively engaging in something creative (eg. gardening, sculpting, dancing, singing, etc) can create space and perspective around our emotions, while also providing an opportunity to express ourselves.
Invest in your values!
When we feel frustrated or powerless, taking action can give us a sense of agency and influence. Prioritize your time, energy, and talents toward causes that address the source of your anger. Donate money, volunteer, petition political officials, etc. Even simple gestures can have significant impact.
Ask for help!
Anger is a powerful and sometimes overwhelming emotion. At times, we can use some extra support in understanding what’s truly driving our anger, and to discover effective ways of regulating, defusing, and expressing it. Reach out to a trained therapist or someone in your life you trust to be honest and nonjudgemental.
Questions to Understand Your Anger
When you are open to learning from anger, you can respond in purposeful and meaningful ways.
What do I value most for myself? What do I value most in others?
Where do I feel anger in my body?
How do I express anger internally? How do I express anger externally?
How do I express anger at my worst? How do I express anger at my best?
What are my anger activators (things that tend to cause my temper to flare)?
Peek behind the curtain: How and what boundaries might be feeling violated? What might I be protecting? Where am I feeling powerless, disrespected, or misunderstood? What makes me feel truly empowered?