How to Process Your Emotions
“I don’t know what processing my feelings means,” he said matter of factly. “People say that, and have no idea what they mean.”
Most of us are part of a culture that prefers to know what to do, how to do it, and how long it will take. We are a society who enjoys the quick fix, instant gratification, and simple hacks. A money-back guarantee would also be nice. The idea of processing our feelings seems to imply there is some kind of step-by-step protocol.
Unfortunately, the most sustainable remedies for complicated feelings (eg. anger, grief, anxiety, etc) don’t come with easy-to-follow directions or guaranteed results. The processing of our emotional experiences requires significantly more exploration and trial & error.
Even as I write this, I am struggling to process the recent death of a loved one, someone I was very close to, and yet my feelings seem elusive. I thirst for the tears of an emotional release. I flounder for the words to express this void.
Can we actually process something we struggle to access?
The term process comes from the Latin word processus, meaning progression or course. When we refer to the processing of emotions, we use it as an action word or verb—something we do. Whereas our feelings are typically instinctive and can emerge automatically or without our conscious understanding at times.
Sometimes the emotions which impact us the most are from an event or situation that occurred years ago. We may be well versed in many different types of processes (eg. political process, chemical process, and software upgrade process), yet the idea of processing our feelings (if we can even identify them) seems confusing and vague.
The way we process our emotions is similar to the way we digest our food.
We take a bite of and pear, and as we chew, enzymes are automatically released through our saliva to break down the carbohydrates in the apple. Reflexive muscles in our throat allow us to swallow, and the crushed pear makes its way into the stomach where acidic chemicals help to create a substance that can enter the gut. As the food moves through the intestines, nutrients are absorbed into the blood stream to be converted into vital energy. Whatever is not needed to support the body keeps on moving through its course until it is released. Voila!
Similarly, an emotional experience can be viewed as the raw food (aka the pear). Our body automatically releases a series of chemicals (eg. adrenaline, dopamine, oxytocin, etc) to help us break down the experience into manageable and necessary elements. These chemical processes support our memory, our relationships, our nervous system, and ultimately our survival.
Though our our emotions don’t necessarily follow a narrow course like the digestive tract, our body has this innate capacity to turn a raw experience (like the death of a loved one) into something that nourishes us and facilitates healing. When we process our emotions, we metabolize our experiences, integrating what is beneficial to us, and releasing what no longer supports us.
Enough about pears! How do we “process” our emotions?
Begin with the body
Learn all you can from your internal sensations.
We have been conditioned to override our innate bodily experiences with the more evolved parts of our our brain, the prefrontal cortex. Last to develop, this thinking, reasoning, problem-solving, analytical part of our our brain is what sets us apart from other mammals. Yet, what we think of as our “smartest” parts can actually detract from the inherent intelligence of the rest of our body.
By overlooking the impact of an experience on our body, we forego essential steps in the process. It would be like looking at a pear and expecting the vitamins to go straight into the bloodstream. We must consume it before the nutrients can be absorbed.
Bring up an emotion you feel or are having difficulty feeling. How does it feel inside your body?
Where do you feel tightness, tension, or stuckness? What does it feel like?
Is it big or small, heavy or light, dark or pale, hard or soft?
Does it move or is it stagnant or still?
Inquire. Don’t jump to conclusions or make assumptions. Stay with the experience inside your body.
Explore the emotion
Take time to explore what’s happening inside you. There is no one-size-fits-all method, so experiment!
When we eat too much or eat too fast, our body has difficulty processing our food. It’s not able to effectively release the enzymes or acids necessary to help break it down into absorbable parts and we end up with indigestion.
When we get emotionally overwhelmed, or avoid, distract, or deny what we feel, we can experience emotion indigestion.
The more we impede the process, the more likely we are to have difficulty digesting our feelings. We might not even know what we feel.
We can access our emotions through many means—physical movement, artistic expression, mindfulness, writing, and talk therapy, to name a few.
This does not have to be an all-in approach. It’s not scuba diving. Think of it more like a walk on the beach where you decide how wet your feet get. Referred to as pendulation in the world of therapy, we can move in and out of stressful thoughts, feelings, and sensations, while maintaining contact with what make us feel safe and calm. When your feet get too cold in the water, you can return to the dry warmth of the sand.
What is it you don’t want to feel or think about? Can you dip your big toe into that feeling for just a moment? If the idea is too daunting, consider enlisting a trusted friend or mental health professional.
If it feels safe enough to explore on your own, play with different ways to pendulate into your emotional world:
Move. Take a walk without your phone (no calls, podcasts, music, etc). Dance, stretch, or shake your body. Notice if the movement brings any emotions to the surface.
Write. Just put pen to paper. (Yes, the old fashioned way!) It could be stream of consciousness writing or thought-provoking reflective writing. Both are effective means of self-expression and discovery.
Create. Sketch, paint, sculpt, or sing it out. Even if you don’t know specifically what you’re trying to express, allow your creative side to tap into your emotional experience.
Sit. We keep ourselves busy with a plethora of daily distractions. It’s amazing what shows up when we allow ourselves to find a place of silence and stillness for a moment. Start low and go slow. Begin by keeping your eyes open or limiting your time. Be aware of what feels safe for you.
Trust yourself
Our body is a natural processor.
Our body processes toxins, chemicals, electrical energy, and nutrients. It processes external information, social cues, and natural energy from the sun and plants. It does so without our explicit instruction or awareness. Can we also trust it to help us process our emotions?
We are naturally wired to avoid what feels painful, threatening, or unfamiliar. This is as much a part of our biology as our digestive system or immune system. Both are designed to keep us alive.
However, we do ourselves a disservice by going down the path of least resistance. The most nutritious food is the kind that is natural and unrefined. It takes more resources to metabolize, but the fuel it provides is more potent and sustaining. Similarly, when we empower ourselves by being willing to metabolize the raw and sometimes painful or uncomfortable experiences in life, we grow stronger, more resilient, and more nourished through the process.
Acknowledging and allowing our feelings to move through our physical and psychological systems, help us to absorb what nourishes us and release what no longer supports us as we evolve. As we honestly integrate our emotions into who we are, we become less fragmented and more authentically whole.
It’s not always easy, but trusting in our body’s capacity to process our emotions offers us an opportunity to make sense of our experiences and discover our potential.