Finding Happiness in the Micro-Adjustments
“Everything in moderation,” our sage neighbor used to advise us. He was a distinguished older gentleman named Oscar who was raised in a rural mid-west town but lived his long adult life as a cosmopolitan urbanite.
He owned an enormous vintage wine collection (literally thousands of bottles!), loved attending jazz festivals all over the world, and wore cozy, wool cardigan sweaters. He had such a penchant for pigs that many of his artfully accumulated ceramic, porcelain, woven, painted and welded pig figurines were auctioned off upon his death. He was a nose-to-the-grindstone contemporary architect, abundantly strong in his opinions, and mild in his demeanor.
Even though Oscar often endorsed the benefits of “moderation” and balance, he was passionate and exceptional. There was nothing moderate, predictable or mediocre about him!
Some people seek balance as a means to achieve a sense of control. Unlike a pendulum that swings from one extreme to the other, balance offers the kind of “moderation” Oscar used to promote. He seemed like a contraction, but his choices brought him agency and joy.
Balance (however we define it) can evoke a sense of peace and happiness. Yet discovering balance in our lives might feel complicated and contradictory at times.
What does balance mean to you?
How do you feel when your life is in balance?
How do you know when you are out of balance?
Where is your center of gravity?
Award winning playwright, Tom Stoppard links our pleasure or satisfaction in life with our capacity to discover balance. He advises, “Happiness is equilibrium. Shift your weight.”
Discovering our equilibrium (aka balance) is a dynamic process.
When we “shift our weight” we have the power to influence our experience. We can develop our ability to adjust, reorient, or change the relationship to our center of gravity in any situation in which we feel stuck.
The dizzying art of maintaining balance for an ice skater depends on many factors. Sometimes their twirling bodies are perfectly perpendicular to the glassy surface, appearing like a corkscrew drilling straight down into the ice. Other times, they may lean at such an acute angle, it seems they might topple over at any moment. There are many variables to consider, eg body weight, the speed of the turn, calculating the turn with a partner, the angle and height of their elevated leg, etc.
Similarly, navigating the twirls and turns of life can feel as precarious as a slippery ice rink. We are often called to make spontaneous calculations based on where we are, who we are with, where we are trying to go, and how fast we want to get there.
When we shift our weight literally and physically by standing on one leg, our muscles automatically make infinite micro-adjustments to help us find our balance.
Psychologically speaking, micro-adjustments can be equally effective in helping us discover equilibrium.
Intentionally shifting our metaphorical weight by altering our perceptions and assumptions and engaging our mental “muscles” in different ways helps us to experience inner balance.
Even minor adjustments to how we think about things can help reduce self-imposed pressure, challenge negative beliefs, and expand our perspective. All of these qualities help move our needle (or tip the scale?) toward increased happiness and meaning in life.
Consider:
What does balance look/feel like in your specific situation (eg. life transition, demanding work schedule, romantic relationship, issues with anxiety, depression, uncertainty, etc)?
What desired changes (small or significant) are you personally able to influence?
What internal adjustments can you make? Hint: It might be as subtle as shifting your focus—what are you looking at, why does it matter, how are you measuring it?
Subjectively balanced
We often seek balance in many external ways: schedule (structure vs. flexibility), diet (nutrition vs. indulgence), profession (work vs. rest), finance (risk vs. security), relationships (novelty vs. stability), parenting (permissive vs. disciplined).
Balance appeals to us when it makes us feel safe, comfortable and even.
Imagine a weight scale upon which people can measure precise and equal amounts of a substance on each plate. Each side appears even and symmetric. Not too much, not too little. This is the Goldilocks version of balance.
By this standard, balance is specific and deliberate. When we are able to find the sweet spot in the middle, we may experience peace, ease, trust, or simply the satisfaction of achieving the perfect, complementary balance on our personal “scale.”
Achieving balance is great when it feels proportionate—like when we’re negotiating a healthy veggie-to-cookie ratio or how much of our life savings we should invest in a venture startup.
What we are measuring and our means of measurement can make all the difference. What happens when we use the same scale to measure two different substances like marshmallows versus strawberries? In an effort to attain an even balance, we would end up with an abundance of fluffy marshmallows and a pathetic portion of succulent berries.
The concept of balance (like moderation, equilibrium and equanimity), is relative and subjective.
Some people consider five hours of sleep sufficient, while others need nine to feel rested. Some people thrive in uncertain or adrenaline-infused situations, while others depend on a steady paycheck and full-coverage insurance to feel safe. Oscar, who held moderation as one of his highest values, might not view his wine or pig figurine collections as excessive.
In our continuous attempt to establish balance in our lives, we often find ourselves swinging on a pendulum of extremes. Of course, there are cultural, social, familial, financial, generational, and environmental considerations. Yet, we are each individually and uniquely challenged to determine for ourselves what feels even, fair, stable, sufficient, centered, tolerable, etc.
Ultimately, you determine what strikes a healthy balance for you.
You decide where you want or need to shift your weight.
You define your own happiness.
Learning to understand our individual inner “scale” helps us to view our unique life experience with increased self-awareness.
When we identify what feels off kilter, we can shift our weight accordingly.
We might choose to go to bed twenty minutes earlier, or challenge our need for security by taking a hang gliding class, or reach out to check in on a sick friend or family member when we’re feeling blue.
We may notice where we are experiencing a deficiency in our life or where we need something different. We decide whether to choose an opposite action (eg. taking a walk to the park instead of staying in bed with the covers over your head), or where we trust our instincts to guide us (eg. opting out on a second date with the guy from Tinder).
Radically balanced
Tightrope walker, Philippe Petit possessed an unprecedented capacity to attain and maintain his balance with unwavering focus and persistent determination. In 1974, he precariously balanced on a high wire more than 1,300 feet in the air which he illegally strung between the Twin Towers in New York City above a jaw-dropped crowd.
His capacity to achieve equilibrium was masterful. Yet his ambitious quest was dramatic, radical, and perilous.
Petit took his perspective on balance to an extreme, and the stakes were quite high! (pun intended;-) His victory came not only from his elaborate planning, relentless practicing, and extraordinary envisioning of his goal. His mastery of balance also depended on being attuned to changes in his environment in a situation where even the slightest breeze was mortally significant.
Faced with unforeseen obstacles and uncontrollable challenges, his capacity to literally and figuratively shift his weight reinforced his resiliency during this outrageous endeavor.
With a keen understanding of the nuances involved in achieving balance, he trusted himself to intuitively make necessary adjustments from moment to micro-moment.
Is balance boring?
Even if we follow Oscar’s sage advice for moderation, or we find the sweet spot on the scale, or successfully achieve a heroic balancing feat, what next?
Life is dynamic, constantly changing. Learning the ambiguous dance of balance is one of life’s conundrums.
What felt like a good balance yesterday might not feel relevant today or next week/month/year.
This is where people may become complacent and bored, or restless and ready to shake things up.
We may turn to sabotaging behaviors for excitement and novelty. Or we might resort to unfulfilling attempts to maintain the status quo, even if it means staying in a situation or relationship we’ve outgrown.
Choosing to embrace imbalance can inspire us to reassess how we approach our own metaphorical tightrope or ice rink.
When we find ourselves out of balance we also find an opportunity to adjust our aspirations, pivot our course of action, or prepare for new adventure altogether.
We develop patience in the practice, discover creative approaches, and learn not to underestimate the power of delicate micro-adjustments. The process of redefining our relationship with balance offers us access to deeper and more fulfilling happiness. When in doubt, “shift your weight!”
5 Micro-adjustment suggestions:
Scale back time—Slow down or break time into smaller segments
Change your point of view—Imagine looking at this situation through someone else’s eyes or from your own perspective twenty years into the future
Refocus—Prioritize something or someone who would benefit from your time or attention
Stretch a little—Try something slightly different; go a bit past your comfort zone
Experiment with continuum thinking—Move the needle on the spectrum of your experience or choose opposite action when it’s safe and appropriate