When a Break-Up Means Heartbreak
Have you ever known intuitively that a relationship wasn’t right for you?… Felt resolved to end it at some point? (“Just not yet.”) Somehow, weeks, months, even years pass by, and for various reasons you still can’t seem to bring yourself to end it? I have.
So I felt tremendous empathy for “Samantha” when she walked into my office. I could sense her desperate ambivalence as she talked about her 3-year relationship with “Josh.” She described the relationship as “passionate in every way,” and explained how it was never exactly easy. Though they could have a lot of fun together, she said dramatic conflicts were a regular occurrence, and she was beginning to feel emotionally exhausted by intense arguments and the resulting tension. She felt it was beginning to take a toll on her physical health as well. She was having difficulty sleeping and experiencing symptoms of anxiety and general dissatisfaction. Despite the emotional and physical challenges, “Samantha’s” greatest struggle was that she still deeply loved “Josh,” and didn’t know how to envision her life without him.
Break-ups are almost always difficult, both logistically (especially if it involves the division of assets, children, or pets) and emotionally. Even when we understand and recognize a relationship is no longer sustainable, is not progressing, or perhaps even unhealthy for us, it can still be a challenging transition to navigate.
There is not a foolproof guide on how to manage the end of a relationship, but if you are contemplating a breakup, here are a couple important thoughts to keep in mind:
Hit the “eject seat” if there is any type of physical, verbal, or emotional abuse. Trust that if you are properly prepared, your “parachute” (aka your ability to take care of and protect yourself) will open. Know that it is still possible to suffer heartbreak, even if the person you are heartbroken over has a history of mistreating you. Muster up your courage and self-respect, gather your tribe of loving, supportive resources, close your eyes and jump out of that plane (aka destructive relationship) before it takes you down with it!
“Peace. Out.” Sometimes a couple grows apart over time, or there may have been a specific catalyst (i.e. an affair, job/financial stress, mental illness, etc.) which thwarts the relationship. Perhaps you realize you want different things, the relationship flatlines, or trust has been damaged beyond repair. If you feel you have done everything you can to revive a relationship or recover broken trust, it’s okay to allow one another to go different directions. Life is short, so don’t settle for a situation which feels stagnant or unfulfilling.
When we begin a relationship, we may imagine ourselves with that person forever. We may hope to stay in one another’s lives no matter what happens. However, sometimes a nice, clean, mutual, amicable breakup is simply not possible. How can we manage the emotional ambiguity and confusion that comes from ending a relationship when we know we have to, but don’t want to?
Tips on navigating through a break-up:
Trust your intuition. Pay attention to what your gut instincts are telling you. They are usually right!
Trust the timing. If you’re not ready to say goodbye yet, that’s okay! Don't put added pressure on yourself. As long as you’re not in an abusive relationship, give yourself the time you need to prepare for the transition. You’ll be ready when you’re ready.
Believe in other possibilities. If one relationship doesn’t feel right, then it is NOT as good as it gets. Don’t procrastinate making a decision because you think you won’t meet someone else. Stay open-hearted, and you will meet others!
Stay connected. Surround yourself with a healthy and supportive social network of family and friends.
Take charge of your schedule. You may find you have significantly more (or less) time than before. Don’t just pour yourself into work. Make time for positive distractions and healthy diversions too. Give yourself permission to do things you enjoy and whatever makes you feel happy and strong (e.g. creative projects, fun field trips, fitness ventures, etc).
Take time to heal. In “Splitsville," even amicable breakups can be painful and often leave a trail of doubts and second guesses. It might be even more difficult if you still feel love for the person you are trying to let go. Treat heartache as you would any other ailment: lots of rest, plenty of water, patience with the process, a little extra TLC, and call for assistance when necessary.
Additional resources: http://www.loveisrespect.org/healthy-relationships/ https://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/ http://www.peaceoverviolence.org http://www.thehotline.org