The Delusion of Guilt

  “Don’t cry over spilt milk.” Though it may be a flippant oversimplification, this idiomatic expression is sound advice for how to handle most mistakes in life.  After all, who makes it through without a smorgasbord of mistakes of all shapes and sizes? It’s how we respond to our mistakes and how we manage the resulting feelings we experience which can have the most profound impact, either positive or negative.

There are times when we are consciously aware of doing something morally, ethically, or socially wrong. However, what about the mistakes we may have made unconsciously? Or mistakes in the past we didn’t realize we were making that continue to plague us? How about when we take responsibility for the mistakes of others? Common emotional responses are regret, remorse, self-blame, shame, and overall guilt. There are many different types of guilt, including (but not limited to) those categorized below:

• “Legitimate” guilt, which acts as a moral guide, alerting us to something that violates our conscience (i.e. cheating, lying, stealing, etc.).
• Pervasive guilt, which may have begun as “legitimate” guilt, but which continues to gnaw away at our sense of self (i.e. mistakes or misjudgments from the past).
• Relationship guilt, which comes from the natural and inevitable mistakes we make in the context of our relationships with others (i.e. parents, children, partners, etc.).
• Survivor guilt, which occurs when someone has been the sole survivor of a catastrophic event (i.e. a fatal accident, war violence, natural disaster, etc.).
• Victim guilt, resulting from feeling deserving of, or to blame for, acts of sexual, physical, or other forms of abuse against them.
• Guilt by omission, which happens when someone believes they should have done something, but chose not to (i.e. give time or money to a worthy cause, speak up against an injustice, etc.)
• Regrettable choices guilt, when someone wishes they had done something differently (i.e. one-night stand, said/done something hurtful, dropped out of college, etc.)

This complicated emotion can lead to a plethora of other problems. Over time, guilt can create a loop of negative thinking which can contribute to *depression, anxiety, substance abuse and other compulsive or addictive behaviors, denial, and damaged relationships, not to mention the potential physical health problems. In general, it prevents us from growing, improving, and moving forward.

DISARMING GUILT:

• Honesty is the best policy— Be genuine and truthful with self and others about our mistakes; denial or avoidance only interrupts and prolongs the healing process.
• Own up— Apologize, make amends, or reconcile with those affected by our actions.
• Resolve (not absolve)— Resolve feelings associated with the past. This does not imply absolving ourselves of responsibility for our mistakes, but rather a kind-hearted approach to untangling the consequential emotional knots.
• Let it go— Forgive ourselves (and others) for wrong-doings and past offenses. Holding on will only keep us in a place of pain and put us at greater risk for the additional potential problems listed above*.
• Laugh About It—Approach mistakes with a sense of humor to put things in perspective and discharge the negative affects of guilt. As Shirley MacLaine said, “The person who knows how to laugh at himself will never cease to be amused.”
• Open Acceptance— Practice ongoing self-acceptance. Know that we will make mistakes throughout our lifetimes, be open to learning and growing from those mistakes, and honor the person we become as a result.
• Trust— Discover a sense of meaning in our current circumstances, and trust we are exactly where we need to be.

In shifting our perspective from self-blame to self-acceptance, we are better able to resolve the feelings associated with our past mistakes, allow ourselves to live more freely, and proceed through life with greater integrity and authenticity.