Alone Together
Every college history class with Mr. Yee was like story hour. Each day, he wrote five historical names, dates, places, or concepts on the whiteboard at the front of the class. These would guide his lectures and help us to focus on what he thought was most important for us to understand. One day while learning about the Great Depression, the term “shared experience” was written on the board. Even years later, I’ve never forgotten the phrase, and continue to be impressed by the way shared experiences impact relationships and the heightened significance an experience has when shared with others.
Birthdays, weddings, holidays, graduations, and a host of other celebrations offer us opportunities to come together to share meaningful moments with people who are important to us. Likewise, crisis situations, personal and national tragedies, and periods of threat and sorrow also bring us together seeking solace, consolation, and comfort. The support we gain from people around us provides a certain reassurance that we are not alone in our complex and varied human experience.
There is a recent field of science emerging referred to as InterPersonal NeuroBiology which essentially proposes that the wiring in our brain, the way we think, and the way we respond to the world are strongly impacted by our relationship to ourselves and our relationships with others. The way we relate to the world around us affects how we relate to ourselves and vice versa.
Some people describe themselves as introverts, feeling more comfortable to be left alone in solitude. For these individuals, an immense amount of energy may be required for them to be able to engage with others socially, leaving them feeling somewhat depleted after the office holiday party, for example. Conversely, extroverts prefer to be in the company of others, enjoy social situations, and often experience the sensation of being energized when interacting with other people.
Though considerable research indicates the various health benefits of social interaction and support, there are certainly times when we are invited or challenged to withdraw into our own thoughts, to explore our inner world to better understand who we are and who we want to become. This type of intrapersonal reflection requires courage to embark on a solo journey and demands complete honesty with ourselves about our inner experiences. Ultimately, there are certain ventures in life we must take unaccompanied.
However, I was reminded about the importance of sharing our experiences when recently I overheard an elderly gentleman telling the story of his time in the military based in Europe in the 1960s. He described how he met a woman in Italy and how much he enjoyed visiting the art museums with her. “Having a shared experience with her made it so much more meaningful and memorable,” he said, instantly reverting me back to Mr. Yee’s history class. Regardless of where we identify ourselves on the spectrum of introversion to extroversion, interacting with other people gives significance to our internal experience. Our relationships continue to have a profound impact on how we experience the world, and we perpetually develop our sense of self in community with others.