Freedom in Self-Forgiveness

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” ~Lewis B. Smedes

It was a hectic morning, and I was already running behind schedule but couldn’t miss my coffee stop. The parking situation being notoriously impossible, I had to park on a nearby residential street. Miscalculating the length of my car and the length of the parking spot, I ended up protruding into the driveway behind me by about two feet, which was considerable given the narrow width of the driveway. “I’ll be in and out before any harm is done,” I convinced myself, and ran into get a quick cup of coffee to go. When I returned three minutes later, the owner of the driveway was standing in the yard on his phone. “I’m sorry I blocked you,” I said with embarrassment. “DON’T be sorry!” he replied perturbed, “I’m on the phone with the police!” Since he made no further effort to engage, I swiftly got in my car apologetically and departed. The interaction stayed with me for the rest of the day and the misjudgment I had used in knowingly blocking the man’s driveway left me feeling guilty and embarrassed.

Accidents, mistakes and misjudgments wear many different guises and have varying levels of impact. One thing they share in common, however, is the potential detriment of holding on to the regret, the guilt, or the self-blame. No matter the offense, we must find a way to take responsibility, accept the consequences, and most importantly to engage in the process of forgiveness. To hold on to it, whatever “it” is, is to hold ourselves back and keep ourselves stuck in a self-defeating and self-perpetuating cycle. The messages we tell ourselves and the thoughts we engage become increasingly ingrained in how we perceive ourselves and how we interact with the world. In continuously blaming and castigating ourselves for our mistakes, we may miss the opportunity for change by inhibiting growth, insight, and true reflective understanding of ourselves.

Forgiveness of ourselves and others is the pivotal point on a spectrum on which depression, anger and resentment sit at one end, and happiness, contentment and compassion reside on the other. In order to truly move beyond painful, embarrassing or regrettable experiences, we must move through the hurdle of forgiveness.

• Approach—the situation and anyone who may have offended us or ourselves (if we are the culprit) with curiosity, openness, acceptance, and loving kindness (The Mindful Brain by Dan Siegel).
• Change lenses—Imagine you, or the person you want to forgive, as being someone you know intimately and care for deeply (a parent, child, sibling, etc.). We tend to be harder on ourselves, or hold ourselves to a much higher standard, than we hold for other people we love and cherish.
• Step back—If we are too close to a situation we sometimes lose the ability to see it clearly. When we step back for a moment, we may be able to experience it from a more neutral perspective, which allows us to respond more appropriately.
• Forgive out loud—Acknowledge forgiveness by saying the words deliberately and aloud. “I forgive…” can be an extremely powerful way of recognizing, expressing, and releasing our experiences.
• Let go—of counterproductive feelings like blame, shame, guilt, resentment, etc. by releasing it literally or metaphorically. Write it down on a piece of paper and burn it. Think of it with a rock or shell you can throw out into the ocean. Or imagine it like steam or smoke rising out and drifting away from you into the abyss.