Tolerating Ambiguity ~ The New SuperPower

“Demonstrates the ability to tolerate ambiguity? Never. Rarely. Sometimes. Often. Always.” 

I was asked to respond to this interesting and thought-provoking question several times each year as part of a comprehensive assessment. Over the last decade of my career, I have had the incredible opportunity to supervise graduate level interns who were completing their academic program requirements. It’s been one of the greatest gifts of my professional experience.

I remember the first time they added this question to the evaluation, and I thought, “THIS is the essence of what we do as mental health professionals. It gave me pause to reflect on my own ability to “tolerate ambiguity.” What does that even mean?

How well are we able to sit with, in front of or alongside, someone who is steeped their own personal plight when there is no identifiable clear solution? How well are we able to navigate our own life challenges without any absolute right or wrong answers? How well do we tolerate conflicting or even contradictory behaviors, beliefs or ideas? How do we manage uncertain, unknown, unclear, or unresolved situations?

We are in the throes of such an ambiguous moment in time right now. It seems like every person— even those in the same state, same city, same neighborhood, same block, same family— are responding differently to what we are all experiencing. To some, masks feel more secure, to others, masks feel threatening. Some people prefer to stay safe and sound at home, others feel the need to be outside. Some feel more comfortable having food delivered to them, others would rather go pick out their own groceries.

The variation in people’s responses are not as simple as state borders or political divides. This is a subjective experience, and depends on each person’s unique constitution, temperament, circle of support, previous life experience and… ability to tolerate ambiguity. 

We are all experiencing this on a continuum—from relief and appreciation for this time at home alone or with loved ones, to anxiety about being stuck and unable to work or play, to a traumatic grief over the potentially devastating health impacts to ourselves or those we care about. We might even experience every point on this continuum all in one day!  

One aspect of this experience seems consistent. Ambiguous loss. Author and educator, Pauline Boss, PhD coined the term and dedicated a full exploration of the concept in her book of the same title published in 2000. The idea is essentially how something (or someone) can both be there, and simultaneously NOT be there. For example, people suffering the painful loss of loving someone with Alzheimer’s, or severe substance abuse, or mental illness. Physically they might be there, but emotionally they are gone or rapidly deteriorating. People can also experience this conversely, as when someone has been missing or kidnapped. They are physically absent, but emotionally, they still feel present. 

We can also experience loss that does not necessarily pertain to the loss of a specific person. We can feel the loss of an experience, the loss of a moment in time, the loss of a culture, the loss of of a feeling. 

In the context of what we are experiencing right now, we cannot deny there has been significant loss. The loss is pervasive and far reaching. Yet, in most cases, the people are still there. We are still here. Those of us fortunate enough to be able to keep our homes, or hold on to the hope that we will be able to return to our work or school at some point, or privileged enough to be able to access resources or order what we need online, we may not have physically lost anything. And we have lost so much. 

We have lost of our freedom to move about in the world, jump on a plane, run to the store, fit in a quick gym workout, catch a matinee, swing past a friend or family member’s house. All those simple tasks or pleasures are now unavailable to us. We have lost a sense of security regarding the future. (Will our company or business survive this? When will we be able to return to work? When will our children return to school?) There is the loss of relationship and connection, at least in a physical sense. We have lost the opportunity to experience significant moments and rites of passage, e.g. graduations, weddings, births, funerals, etc.

This ambiguous loss results in a yearning for what we no longer have. We miss the little things, things we never thought we could miss! Someone told me recently she misses her long commute to work in traffic when she could just have some time alone and uninterrupted. We miss being able to walk into a market without suiting up in masks and gloves, armed up to our elbows in sanitizer. We miss being able to travel, to visit our family members, to hug someone without worrying what the repercussions might be. We miss the ability to plan, because we don’t know what things are going to look like from one minute to the next.

We say we “miss” these things. The english language inadequately describes this kind of nostalgia, or sentimental longing for something we cannot access. It feels insufficient to say we “miss” our lives before COVID. It’s not that simple.

Saudade. This is a Portuguese word I read in a book several years ago. According to Rosetta Stone, saudade is defined as “a deep emotional state; a yearning for a happiness that has passed, or perhaps never even existed.”  

As a shameless sentimentalist, this concept felt so validating. Now, it seems like the only way to describe the ambiguous loss we are all experiencing. A yearning to wrap our arms around the person who sits apart (more than six feet away!), a longing for our daily commute in traffic, a nostalgia for organic interactions with others before everything was converted through Zoom (“is your mic on?,” “we can’t see you,” “there’s a delay”).

The saudade may ebb and flow as we move through the fluctuations of these current times. The uncertainty, the fear, the yearning, the loss, the relief, the connection, the silver linings all swirl around us in waves. There is no clear answer, no identifiable resolution, no closure. Boss suggests that we learn how to “hold opposing ideas” at the same time. Yes, we are fortunate to have access to resources offered to us through technology, AND no, it’s not enough to comfort us when we are feeling uncertain and powerless. If we can recognize the contradiction of our experiences and honor the fluctuating emotional impact, perhaps then we are able to develop the invaluable quality of tolerating the ambiguity.