10 Ways to Realize Our Resilience
I can’t think of a better time to write about resilience than when I’m trying to rediscover it for myself. I’m realizing this must be a lifelong process. What allows us to be resilient in one situation, doesn't necessarily transfer to another situation at a different point in time. I continue to be reminded of this frustrating predicament, as I try to assure myself this is a fresh opportunity to grow, refine, and enhance my resiliency skills.
According to its definition, resilience refers to the “capacity to recover quickly; to spring back.” A common association is the old Bozo the Clown (aka Bobo doll) from the 1960s. These inflatable life-size clown balloons are weighted at the base, so when you push them over, they bounce back. Similar to the Bobo dolls, we may get pushed over on any given day—flu season, work stress, traffic tickets—and we usually manage to spring back. Then there are the “biggies”—trauma, abuse, heartbreak, chronic illness, grief and loss—which can make a rebound more challenging.
In trying to reconnect with my own resilience, I turn to sources of inspiration. Right now, we are seeing the incredible resilience demonstrated by the survivors of Parkland who have turned their grief and trauma into a national movement for a meaningful cause. In both my personal and professional life, I have been honored and humbled to witness and support people who have endured terrific feats in life to include sexual abuse, suicidality, still birth, debilitating disease, and unimaginable immigration journeys, not to mention betrayal, abandonment, and paralyzing blame. Though it’s not an easy road, these resilient individuals still persist. One common thread in each of their unique stories is the ability to define, and focus on, a sense of purpose.
Psychiatrist and neurologist, Viktor Frankl endured nearly three years as a prisoner in Nazi concentration camps. Through that horrific experience, he determined that one of the most critical human needs is the ability to discover a sense of meaning through life’s experiences, even the most difficult ones (logotherapy). In the face of death, Frankl recognized the profound motivation that comes from finding meaning in what we experience and how we respond to those experiences. Among those imprisoned in concentration camps, perhaps it was the hope of reuniting with family members, sustaining religious beliefs and heritage, or a powerful determination not to be defeated by the Nazis. Their ability to extract meaning amid such misery somehow propelled survival during the most tragic suffering imaginable. The meaning, or significance, also provides a powerful sense of purpose which promotes perseverance.
The human experience is relative. We may not ever understand the extent of suffering which occurs at any given moment all around the world. There is certainly no shortage of senseless violence, terrible injustice, unimaginable poverty, natural disasters, and excruciating pain. This doesn’t mean our own struggles and pain are any less significant. Yet we have the potential to draw inspiration from others to remind us to to harness our strength, exercise compassion towards ourselves and others, and to recognize life challenges as an opportunity to grow our resilience.
True resilience means more than just bouncing back or rebounding. It may imply recovery, but often times that recovery is far from being quick or easy. We come from a culture which is increasingly inclined to expect immediate results. We are a product of this instant microwave society. We exist in a world where we have come to expect high-speed internet, anytime streaming, and same-day delivery. This instant gratification does not apply to resilience.
The way we perceive ourselves also has a tremendous impact on our ability to respond to life stress. Developmental psychologists, Emmy Werner and Ruth Smith conducted a research study over the course of more than three decades with nearly 700 children beginning in utero. They identified a select “at-risk” group and studied them to determine what contributed to the success of those who developed into “competent, confident, and caring young adults.” According to the findings, one of the strongest indicators of their resilience was an internal locus of control. The children who demonstrated a belief in themselves and their ability to influence the direction of their life, were more likely to overcome adversity and challenging life circumstances. They essentially viewed themselves as the architects of their lives and believed they had the power and ability to affect their destiny.
In learning about and studying how others have overcome their own personal challenges, certain qualities seem consistent in helping people to access resilience.
Promoting resilience:
Self-reflection and self-acceptance—Spend time honestly assessing your experiences, your values, your strengths and your areas for growth. Practice self-acceptance. Allow yourself to be where you are. Knowing where you are helps you to know which direction to move when you’re ready.
Cultivate an internal locus of control and self-trust—Believe in your capacity to affect change and influence the direction of your life’s course. Trust that your experiences have brought you where you need to be, and cultivate the hope and confidence that you are capable of working through any challenge.
Establish a strong base and foundation—As with the Bobo doll, we all require a strong base. This is a unique formula for each individual, and ought to include practices which promote overall physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual wellness. Go back to the basics: balanced nutrition, adequate sleep, daily exercise, mindfulness practices, etc.
Courage to find meaning and purpose—Discovering your greater sense of meaning or purpose in life takes courage to face uncertainty at times. According to beatnik writer, Ambrose Redmoon, “Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear.” Find what that something else is and move boldly toward it. What do you value most? What is the significance of what is important to you? What matters most right now? What does it mean to you?
Small steps toward perseverance— Like the law of kinetic energy, “a body in motion, stays in motion.” The longer we stay parked, the more difficult it becomes to start the engine. Even small action steps can spark the resources necessary to fuel our motivation and determination. Once we are determined to overcome a certain challenge, we will develop the tenacity required to persevere. Perseverance gives us the ability to stay in motion.
Reach out—Know you are not alone, and there are people who believe in you. Turn to trusted sources of support, encouragement, reassurance, and empathy. This may include family members, partners, friends, or colleagues. Consider a therapist who feels like a good fit or a join a group of others who’ve had shared experiences.
Laugh it off—If we take ourselves too seriously, our perspective can become skewed. When this happens, we impede our resilience potential. Find the humor! Seek out sources that make you laugh and offer a sense of levity in the midst of life’s challenges.
Flexibility and patience—Our ability to bend and adjust keeps us from breaking when things get stormy. Other times, we are challenged to wait for the storm to pass. Flexibility and patience, especially during the more challenging seasons of our lives, ultimately offer us better capacity to trust in the process.
Discover inspiration—There are countless individuals, both historic and current, who have endured hardships of all kinds, and have not only overcome, but also encountered wisdom, strength, and new insights along the way. Find the sources which resonate with you. Surround yourself with inspiring stories, quotes, and images.
Recognize the growth potential—Each time we meet our life challenges with the confidence that we will be able to work through them, we are propelled forward by the resilience we encounter along the way. Life is a process of discovery, and often times it is during the most challenging times that we realize our full potential. Embrace challenges as an opportunity to discover new abilities, untapped strength, and unexpected revelations.