It's All Relative
Thanksgiving weekend kicks off the holiday season when we are often surrounded by family and friends (…or not), whether we like it… or not. Some attend large “Friendsgiving” dinner parties, others travel thousands of miles to sit at a dinner table with people they hardly know (beyond sharing the same blood). Some people long to be with family and friends they haven’t seen in many years. Others choose not to celebrate at all, refusing to literally and figuratively buy into the materialism and the commercial efforts to manipulate our emotions. Yet for others this time of year is more ambiguous, as they try to figure out where they fit in, who to celebrate with, and what it all really means. In my professional practice (and in my personal life) I have experienced the gamut of this spectrum and everything in between. The holiday season is indeed an interesting time of year. It emphasizes the discrepancy between the “haves” and the “have nots,” not only financially, but also socially. It allows the people who feel connected with others to enjoy those connections through feelings of belonging and sharing time together, which gives the season a sense of purpose and significance. However, it can also cause those who are less connected with others to feel more alone and isolated in their experience of the season.
The age old psychological and sociological argument of “nature vs. nurture” seems particularly prevalent when there are societal and cultural expectations for us to be spending this time of year with family. We may agree that we are both genetically influenced (nature) and a product of our environment (nurture). But what if the family we were raised in is not healthy for us? What if the people we share blood with don’t really know us? We are forced to navigate between the traditions, expectations, and social influences that surround us, and the obligation and responsibility we have to ourselves to tune in to what ultimately feels right and healthy for us.
Even within my own family, I have people who subscribe to the philosophy that blood is thicker than water and no one should prioritize anything or anyone above family ties… where even the spouses (in-laws) are teasingly referred to as “the outlaws.” Then there are the blood relatives who have drifted or pulled away completely, and for no identifiable reason, they have become strangers. Or there are those who believe we have the ability to choose our family, and it is not defined by blood, genetics, or ancestry. I am a product of all these seemingly conflicting paradigms, and I believe there is value in every perspective.
The holiday season is a beautiful, stressful, nostalgic, traumatic, exciting, annoying, joyful, and painful time of year. It brings family relationships into the light, and whatever “family” means for each individual person… it’s all relative. The sights, smells, and sounds of the season bring with it memories and emotional associations, whether positive or negative. It is in this annual experience, we have an opportunity to come toward a deeper understanding, to heal, to connect, to establish boundaries, to be honest with ourselves and others, to redefine the significance of the season, and to allow it to become a true representation of who we are and what we need.
As we enter into this holiday season, may we have the freedom to exist outside the expectations of others, the opportunity to connect with loved ones should we choose to do so, and the ability to discover new revelations and perspectives which move us toward a better version of ourselves. Seasons Greetings!