S.M.A.R.T. Communication for Couples

  Relationships with our partners can be the most rewarding, yet challenging, aspect of our interpersonal lives. In these intimate relationships, it is possible to simultaneously experience feelings of love and aggravation, comfort and frustration, the need to draw toward our partners and at the same time, the need to pull away.

Over time, every couple develops its own style of communication. Due to demands of everyday life, insufficient time to have in-depth conversations, and each individual’s respective family and relationship history, we may begin to fall into dysfunctional patterns. These patterns (i.e. avoiding conflict, minimizing emotional experiences, blaming, denying, etc.) may come from unfulfilled expectations, not feeling heard or understood by our partner, or fear of losing our partner or being left alone/abandoned.

When emotions begin to rise, conversations quickly turn into arguments, and can then avalanche into other topics from last week or last year. This communication begins the vicious cycle of offensive accusations and defensive dismissals. Although effective communication strategies between partners is specific to each individual couple, this is a quick and accessible formula for navigating sensitive and potentially volatile conversations.

S.M.A.R.T.

S—Stop or pause to self-assess. Are you feeling on the defensive or offensive? Are tensions already high? Are you feeling tired, hungry, stressed, etc? A conversation at any of these times may not be the most productive. You will likely have more success once you’ve had a chance to calm down and stabilize. Assure your partner this is an important conversation to you, but that it may not be the best time. Suggest a specific time frame in which you will commit to giving him/her your complete care and attention.

M—Modify your thinking. Accept that each of you may have a completely different experience of what is going on, which is subjective. Put yourself in your partner’s shoes, so to speak, to understand your partner’s perspective with a sense of empathy.

A—Acknowledge what your partner is saying. You may even want to repeat it back for clarification (i.e. “I hear that it’s important to you that I make an effort to help out more around the house.” “It sounds like you are saying that when I spend money on shoes, you don’t feel I am respecting our household budget.”).

R—Respond with kindness. After you’ve addressed what your partner has said, use a calm and kind tone to express what you are feeling, needing, and wanting.

T—Take a break when necessary. If the conversation begins to derail and emotions escalate, it may be more effective to take a short break to calm down and refocus on resolution. Again, reassure your partner this is an important conversation and be specific about when you will reconnect to continue the discussion.