Relationships: Discovering the Shadows in the Moonlight
Books, articles, movies, songs, poems, internet apps, clubs, support groups (and the list goes on), all focus on how to find love, feel loved, and/or be in a relationship (be it a marriage or one-night-stand). From the outside, a relationship might seem like it has the potential to transform our solitary existence (even for a moment) into something more meaningful and worthwhile. Feeling understood, supported, cared about, adored, desired, and cherished. Walks on the beach, romantic dinners, weekend excursions, intimate bedtime adventures. This is the moonlight of relationships, so to speak. A few of the positive aspects which cast a warm, soft glow on our world.
But what about the other side? What do we understand about the shadow side of a relationship? The moments of jealousy and insecurity, the looming threat of feeling left behind or abandoned, the sense of inadequacy, the sensation of feeling trapped, the conflict, the fear, and heartache that constitute the darker aspects, the unexpected twists, and the unknown corners of a relationship.
Every relationship consists of both… both the moonlight and the shadows. In some way it’s what keeps things interesting, like the cliff hanger at the end of an episode of our favorite Netflix series. Almost an addiction, it draws us in and brings us back. Of course, depending on the degree and the proportion of each, the moonlight and shadow side of relationships are not always compatible. There is no perfect recipe, because it varies with each person. Certain relationships make us feel stronger, and others make us feel more vulnerable. Sometimes we feel challenged, excited, exhilarated, while other times we feel bored, unstimulated, and stagnant. Some relationships make us want to stay frozen in time forever, and other relationships thrust us urgently into a search for the “eject” button or nearest “exit.”
Regardless of whether they have a positive influence in our life or affect us in negative ways, relationships with others have the potential to change the point of reference from which we view ourself. The emotional diversity of a relationship challenges us to look at ourself from different perspectives. Through the lens of a relationship and what it brings into focus for us, we have the possibility of making sense of things in a different context. We might better understand where we come from, how we’ve become the way we are, and what makes it significant. We are given the opportunity to learn and discover new things about ourselves, exploring our triggers, our instincts, and our patterns. If we allow ourselves to observe, we may become aware of moments that seem less clear, approach places of discomfort with curiosity, and move consciously through the labyrinth of the human experience.
Not all relationships are meant to last forever, but all relationships have the potential to teach us something. Some relationships may endure a lifetime, and it is our responsibility to navigate them in fresh and interesting ways. Where the moonlight offers us a light in the darkness, shadows bring to it texture, intrigue, and significance.