Balance~Part 2: Caught Up in Emotion

Like the body’s physiological functions that promote homeostasis (e.g. healing process, nervous system, metabolism, etc.) discussed in the previous article, we also develop similar psychological functions. Our emotional responses are intended to manage our feelings and perceptions of the world around us in an effort to keep ourselves safe and maintain a state of balance. However, it’s important to be aware of when and how our positive, adaptive emotional patterns and behavioral habits can become negative and detrimental. The Emotional Cast: What happens when we are emotionally injured (e.g. rejected, abandoned, disappointed, traumatized, etc.)? In the same way a bone or muscle is able to heal, we recover from emotional pain by nurturing our ailment and constructing ways to strengthen and bolster our sense of self. We also automatically develop strategies to ensure our emotional sense of safety or self-preservation. This can significantly impact our relationship to ourself and/or with other people in our lives. We may be drawn closer to others for comfort, validation and the reassurance that we are safe. Or we may conversely feel the need to withdraw from others for fear of being harmed, and instead retreat into the sense of protection we feel can only be achieved on our own.

Neither strategy is detrimental in and of itself, unless it causes a compensatory injury, so to speak. For example, if our need to seek reassurance from others becomes the primary, dominant, or only source for acceptance and validation, we risk losing the ability to comfort and soothe ourselves. On the other hand, if we isolate ourselves for fear of being hurt, and seek solace mainly in solitude and self-sufficiency, we risk atrophying our relationships and social support, similar to the way muscles in a cast atrophy when a broken bone is healing.

Emotional Survival: Much the same way our nervous system serves to automatically regulate our bodily functions, protect us from pain, or prepare us to spring into action, it can also help us manage our psychological experiences. When we feel confident and emotionally safe and secure, we are able to move freely through the world with a sense of well-being and trust in ourselves and in our relationships. However, if a threat is perceived (e.g. failure, inadequacy, worthlessness, etc.), our system may engage in an effort to ensure our emotional survival.

If we anticipate (real or perceived) that our emotional safety is in jeopardy and our feelings or our sense of who we are may be threatened, we can respond in a variety of ways, both productive and counter-productive. We may “activate” by:

• defending ourselves, physically or verbally (fight)
• running away from (avoiding) pain or conflict (flight)
• immobilizing and emotionally shutting down (freeze)

We also develop ways to “preserve” ourselves by disengaging when something (or someone) feels dangerous. Some people are able to mentally dissociate from the source of threat or pain, which serves to keep them emotionally safe, especially in cases of current emotional or verbal abuse. Others may numb their feelings with drugs, alcohol, etc. or deny the emotional pain by absorbing themselves in distractions like work, media outlets, daily tasks, etc.

*Emotional Metabolism: Some call it the “Cold Turkey” approach: In an effort to improve wellbeing in our lives we attempt to eliminate that which we feel threatens our equilibrium. To lose weight? Eliminate sugar, carbs, fat, calories, etc. from our diet. To live a healthier lifestyle? Eliminate smoking, drinking and staying out too late. To get a better grasp on finances? Eliminate unnecessary expenses. To avoid temptation? Eliminate relationships with people who present temptation. To recover from grief or loss? Eliminate anything that may serve as reminders of the loss. To protect yourself from judgement of others? Eliminate honest self-expression.

Though sometimes effective, the problem with this restrictive approach is that more often we actually throw ourselves out of balance by taking extreme measures.

Depriving ourselves, whether it relates to food, finances, self-expression or certain relationships, also has an impact on our homeostasis in significant ways. Forcing ourselves to completely eliminate components of our lives can interrupt our psychological self-sustaining functions similar to how the metabolism is interrupted when we deprive ourselves nutritionally. When we eliminate something all together, we may end up feeling (consciously or subconsciously) neglected, deprived, or that our innate needs are not being met and fulfilled.

Ultimately, our effort to make dramatic improvements in our lives can have the complete opposite and reverse effect. In fact, sometimes we may actually become more drawn to, or focused upon, that which we are trying to eliminate or avoid. A “do not enter” or “do not touch” sign, creates an instinctive curiosity and automatic compulsion (craving) to enter or touch what we believe is forbidden. This concept of reverse psychology implies that a person (i.e. Eddy the Eagle) is more likely to do the exact opposite of what you tell him/her to do. It’s like a boomerang or backlash effect whereas resisting, restricting, depriving, or denying something altogether can actually intensify a sense of need, causing the desire to come back stronger and unrelenting. This is not always negative, as in Eddy’s case, where the source of restriction and resistance actually fueled his desire to overcome challenges and succeed in his ambitions. However, we want to be mindful of how our efforts to force or restrict ourselves on either extreme end of the spectrum is by it’s very nature a way to compromise our sense of equilibrium.

Balance is subjective and feels different for everyone. There is not a fixed recipe or solution. We must find a way to negotiate our own individual, inner “scales” by making varying and unique adjustments and by discovering what works for each of us little by little.

Questions to Consider:

• What makes you feel vulnerable? How do you manage that vulnerability? Where might you have developed other strengths in response to that vulnerability?
• Can you identify ways in which you emotionally or mentally “fight,” “flight,” and or “freeze?”
• Think about a time when you felt deprived of, restricted from or denied access to something? What feelings arise?

*The “Emotional Metabolism” theory does not apply to serious substance abuse or addictions, whereas abstaining from the substance may be the best approach to treatment. These circumstances should be determined by working collaboratively with a mental health practitioner.