Stuck in the Middle with Compromise
It’s probably one of the earliest lessons we learn in school.
You want to play checkers, but I want to play frisbee.
“Compromise!” we are instructed. We understand this to mean finding a common ground by each incrementally giving up (or giving in) with hopes of gaining some aspect of our respective desired outcome. So, we decide to take turns playing each game for half the allotted time. Win-win!
Compromise seems like a simple enough concept when we’re eight years old, but over time our choices become more complicated. The stakes become higher and more significant.
We learn to prioritize our wants or needs. We weigh our options. We develop our capacity for delaying gratification.
We discover the juxtaposition between compromising and sacrificing and settling (for status quo).
Like driving a car, these critical skills help us to navigate the world more effectively.
Compromise is an essential social skill, a civilized intersection.
Sacrifice is a noble, yet unilateral street.
Settling is a path of least resistance.
Compromise: Harmony at the Intersection
Compromise is where we try to find the sweet spot between wants and needs, you and me, now and later, flex and flow.
It’s a combination of empathy and assertiveness, sacrifice and advocacy, respect and obstinance.
We encounter compromise in nearly every decision we make.
We compromise when we are determining whether our ample paycheck and benefits are worth the soul-sucking work demands. Or if our puny paycheck is sufficient to keep us in the gratifying flexibility or ease of our current work gig.
We learn this basic skill of social development from an early age for good reason. Compromise plays a role in nearly every human relationship—professional, familial, romantic. In politics, we call it diplomacy. It means we know who we are and what matters to us, and we take the time to understand what matters to you and why. It’s the fine art of choosing our battles.
What happens when we find ourselves in the same battles over and over again?
What if the intensity of the “battle” (ie relationship, work dynamic, schedule demands, etc) ends up depleting us, wearing us down, and negatively impacting other aspects of our life?
What happens when compromise turns into self-sabotage?
Work may become so stressful or upsetting that we are unable to sleep at night or our immune system rebels, making us vulnerable to every seasonal sniffle, stomach bug, or worse.
Our relationship with our partner may begin to feel disconnected, and we dwell in the silent tension of resentment, the chaos of chronic conflict, or the stale stuckness of the status quo.
If compromise is a good thing, how do we know when it’s not working anymore or beginning to hurt us?
Sacrifice: Lost on a One-Way Street
If we continuously deprioritize our needs or goals, we might end up disoriented or lost.
Similar to the one-way streets we find in small villages or congested city centers, sacrificing the direction we want to go by taking a more circuitous route can keep things running smoothly. But it can also cause us to drive around in circles if we’re not paying attention.
Have you ever taken four right turns down one-way streets? (That’s a circle;-)
Of course there are times when a sacrifice is appropriate. Sacrificing for those in need or for people we care about is considered a noble deed or generous offering. Parents regularly sacrifice their own time, comforts, and priorities for that of their children. Sacrificing in the short-term can have long-term benefits.
However, it’s important to consider: How sustainable is your sacrifice? Where do we run the risk of driving down one-way streets in counterproductive circles?
Bring to mind a situation in which you might be compromising or sacrificing.
Take a moment to conduct a rudimentary cost/benefit analysis. In one column jot down what is required from you in this situation (time spent, price paid, desires/dreams deferred, etc)? In the other column identify what you gain or receive for your investment?
Do the two columns seem reciprocal? Does the investment or cost merit the return or benefit? It doesn’t have to be exactly even, but if the costs roughly correspond to the benefits, it is likely a compromise. If the costs significantly exceed the benefits, this probably leans more toward a one-way-street sacrifice.
You may realize you’ve been on autopilot. Do you mindlessly default to outdated priorities or defer to other people’s needs rather than pay attention to your own?
When we chronically sacrifice what’s important to us, we risk losing a part of ourself.
Settling: Stuck on the Roadside
When we consciously or subconsciously convince ourselves to settle for an unhealthy or unsatisfactory relationship, job, or situation, we have essentially given up.
This type of passive resignation is like running out of fuel and hopelessly sitting in the car on the side of the road.
We may have ended up there by driving in circles along the one-way streets of sacrifice until we were depleted. Or we may have become so accustomed to compromising in every situation without question that we neglected to check our fuel gauge. But the key characteristic when we settle is that we don’t do anything about it. We don’t get out of the car. We don’t ask for (or accept) help. We just sit there—settling.
We settle for an unfulfilling partnership rather than risk starting over.
We accede to the work demands of long hours or hostile company culture because we’ve convinced ourselves this is the best offer we’ll get.
We acquiesce to the expectations of every one around us for fear of disapproval or disappointing anyone.
Settling isn’t so much a surrender as it is a forfeit. It's a collapse of self, a form of self-abandonment in which we lose sight of or relinquish our values, our sense of purpose, and/or our capacity see the bigger picture. Those who are truly settling resist doing the cost/benefit exercise at all because “what’s the point? nothing changes anyway.”
The Context of Compromise
When it comes to assessing your own relationships and life decisions, this is a subjective and personal process.
We each encounter various stages and seasons of life, and only you can truly answer and address where you might be surrendering yourself or feeling stuck.
Your history:
Take time to understand the way your personality, upbringing and/or relationship history influences how you navigate the compromises you make.
If we grew up in a culture where we were taught (or had modeled for us) the importance of putting others needs ahead of our own, we may have difficulty identifying our own wants or needs.
If we learned from an early age how to orient toward and accommodate others, we may find ourselves constantly seeking approval and external validation.
If we experienced an early loss or separation, we may be inclined to go to greater lengths to maintain and preserve what we are familiar with rather than risk another loss.
Your values:
The guiding principles of our life make up our core values. Some values are instilled in us through our cultural and social conditioning. However, as we grow and experience life, we develop our own personal set of values.
What matters most to you? What is important to you in your work, your relationships, and in the way you show up in the world?
Your perspective:
When you are considering the impact of compromising, sacrificing or settling, it can be helpful to employ an imaginary time lapse. Consider both short-term and long-run benefits and consequences.
How much will your decision/compromise/sacrifice matter in a year from now?
What will it look like in five years if you continue to settle?
Might a short-term sacrifice benefit you in the longrun?
Is a specific long-term compromise unsustainable or taking a toll on your physical or mental health?
Your lifestage:
As living dynamic beings, our ways of relating to the world, making decisions, and managing life transitions evolve over time. We move through various stages and experiences which influence our values and the role we play in relationships.
How we compromise or our willingness to sacrifice may look different when we’re 20 years old versus when we’re 40 years old. Depending on our life experiences and evolving values, we may become more patient in some ways and less tolerant in other ways.
Our capacity to attune to our needs, desires and interests ultimately supports our ability to understand where and how to compromise or sacrifice without abandoning ourself in the process. Take the time to pay attention to how you’re “driving.” Are you getting lost in the one-way streets of sacrifice? Notice the fuel gauge. Are you running on empty?
Discover your own unique balance between struggling and settling, stubbornness and sacrifice, conviction and compromise.
And don’t forget to fasten your seatbelt; the road gets bumpy sometimes!