Memory Part 2: The Stories We Tell Ourselves
Our narrative consists of implicit and explicit memory and is influenced by the collective and cultural context in which we dwell. What we recognize, remember, and reinforce becomes our story. The stories we tell ourselves influence our sense of identity and how we relate to others.
Memories are subjective. We each possess a unique ability to consolidate, store, and integrate memories depending on how we process information. Lavina and Lenora (from Part 1 of this article) were both the same age, from the same family, and in the same car when their mother was shot and killed in the front seat. Yet they each experienced the traumatic event and processed their memory of it in very different ways.
Several variables impact the way we integrate memories of our life experiences. These include, but are not limited to:
our developmental stage (how old we were) when something happened
our emotional state or emotional intensity (positive or negative) at the time of an event
our individual coping strategies (eg. adaptability, communication skills, self-preservation instincts, etc)
our external context (cultural/social/environmental influences or biases)
Our memory is profoundly influenced by how we perceive, interpret, and make sense of our experiences.
When working with Lenora and Lavina, my goal was not to reconcile their respective memories or resulting emotional discrepancies. The intention was to validate their subjective truth. The accuracy of the details may have mattered in court, but in therapy, the incongruence in their memories mattered less than the importance of honoring each child’s unique understanding of their experience.
Lenora was immobilized by her experience. She was powerless to protect her mom or her sister. Her vague, fragmented memory allowed her to remain somewhat dissociated (and safe) from her traumatic experience. Though she rationally understood the impact of her experience, she maintained an emotional distance from the event which allowed her to engage in the world (ie. new school, neighborhood, and friends) in a way that supported her healing.
Lavina’s testimony was critical to convicting the people responsible for her mom’s death. She saw herself as a survivor and her courage became a significant part of her narrative. Her memory of the traumatic event became a critical element of her healing process. She was able to talk about what happened and the evolving impact it had on her as she adjusted to the new normal of her life.
As time passes, the exact accuracy of our memory may diminish. We may inadvertently change aspects of our story or fill in missing details based on our expectations, assumptions, or other people’s influence. Repetition can improve accuracy. Lavina repeatedly told her story, which reinforced and refined her memory of the event and what it meant to her.
What we pay attention to, we tend to remember.
What we remember, we reinforce.
The more we bring conscious awareness to our memories, the more we train our brain to remember.
Recognizing the sensory associations (smells sounds, colors, seasons, etc) of specific memories may further engrain the experience in our mind and body.
Conversely, when we consciously or unconsciously choose to ignore or avoid certain aspects of a memory by denying it or diverting our focus away, our story changes. We don’t necessarily forget our experience, but we may develop a new narrative around it.
Memories are malleable and evolving. Perhaps you know someone who tends to tell the same story repeatedly. Several times, you’ve heard about the time they won a gold medal with a broken ankle, the motorcycle accident they survived, or the moment they fell in love with their partner at first sight. You may notice how the details of their stories can change over time. Some details become exaggerated and others diminished.
Memories can take on different iterations over time. According to memory reconsolidation theory, every time we retrieve the memory of an experience, our brains automatically update the memory. Similar to the way we update our computer software or refresh a website browser to incorporate recent changes, each time we recall an experience, our memory of that experience updates.
How and what we remember about our experiences becomes an evolving story.
We may reinforce certain details (which may or may not be technically accurate) and/or delete other details. Each time we recall a memory, we update our story, and we install the newer version in the areas of the brain responsible for memory. This dynamic process gradually alters our memory of any given experience.
Reconstructing our memory can be unintentional with the natural decline in accuracy of a memory over time. We might also unconsciously modify the stories we tell ourselves in an effort to resolve psychological contradiction or inner conflict. Renowned psychologist, Leon Festinger coined the term cognitive dissonance and discovered that people will go to great lengths to justify or excuse contradictory actions and beliefs as a means of reducing psychological discomfort. Festinger’s colleague, Elliot Aronson put it another way, “(This) can be a very useful tool that helps me sleep well at night and helps me feel good about the decisions that I've made.”
We can also deliberately and intentionally reconsolidate specific memories. Reconsolidation techniques have been used in treating traumatic memories or altering behaviors or thought patterns we want to change. We can use the malleability of our memory, the meaning we attribute to our experiences, and the transformative power of (re)telling our stories to recreate and reinterpret our experiences.
Memories make up the story of our lives.
We create a narrative or inner dialogue about our memories as a way to make sense of what has happened.
These narratives contribute to our beliefs about ourselves and the world around us.
Developing Mastery Through Memory: Bring up a significant memory from your life…
Engage consciously in the meaning-making process of your memories. What makes the memory relevant or valuable for you?
Experiment with your point of view as though you were looking through the lens of a camera. Zoom out to expand your perspective and see the bigger picture. Zoom in to elaborate or highlight specific details. Choose what you want to focus on.
Explore your narrative. What is the story you’re telling yourself? What role do you play in your memory? Do you identify as the victim, the hero, the villain, etc? Do you see yourself as unworthy or valuable? helpless or powerful? defeated or resilient?
Embrace the wisdom in your experience. What have you learned or discovered about yourself? What beliefs do you want to practice, strengthen and reinforce? What beliefs are you wanting to reduce, release, or retire? How might you reframe your experiences to cultivate healing, hope, and trust?
Identify supportive resources from your memory. Intentionally remember people, places, or nostalgic associations that connect you with a sense of safety and comfort.
Accept memory as imperfect. When we acknowledge that memories are subjective and fallible, we can approach ourselves and others with humility to reduce conflict and expand the possibilities for peaceful resolution.
“It’s never too late to have a happy childhood.”
The quote has been attributed to both novelist, Tom Robbins and activist, Gloria Steinem. There are many ways to interpret the saying.
We don’t want to lie to ourselves or delete integral aspects of our personal story. We don’t need to ascribe to a Pollyanna toxic positivity, nor should we adopt a revisionist history of our lives. However, we can harness the malleability of our memory and our evolving narrative to support healing and internalize a more empowering story.