Cultivating Security ~ Part 1: Understanding Our Dragons (aka Insecurities)
Most of us know what it’s like to feel insecure.
It shows up as self-doubt, anxiety, or uncertainty.
We may experience insecurities in various aspects of our life— professionally, romantically, or personally.
We ask ourselves questions like:
Am I fulfilling my potential?
Will I get that promotion, audition, or raise?
Does my latest love interest or long-term partner find me attractive?
Do others think I’m smart, interesting, or successful enough?
Do I dare to get my hopes up?
Can I rest in the reliability of my relationships?
Is it safe to let down my guard, my mask, my defenses?
“It does not do to leave a dragon out of your calculations if you live near him.”
~J.R.R. Tolkien
Getting to know your dragon(s) can be powerful leverage as we navigate the challenges of life and relationships.
Where do your insecurities come from?
What triggers them?
How do they look?
The foundation of our sense of security begins in childhood from our relationship with our parents.
We develop the capacity to trust and feel safe in the world proportionate to how consistently our basic physical and emotional needs were met.
As we grow and move through life we encounter experiences which can either reinforce or compromise our sense of security.
When we choose friends or partners who make us feel valued, we trust we can feel safe in our relationships.
Alternatively, if we continuously find ourselves with people who invalidate us, the dragons emerge and we not only lose confidence in our relationships, we lose confidence in ourselves.
We may attempt to keep ourselves safe by engaging only in situations where we think we can predict the outcome, even when the outcome is not healthy for us. (Eg. going to the same bars to meet the man/woman of our dreams; staying in an unfulfilling job because, “At least it’s a paycheck!”; eating that extra piece of cake because, “It’s not like anyone finds me attractive anyway!”)
We compromise our safety and trust when we self-sabotage.
We also compromise our sense of security when we inevitably find ourselves in situations where we don’t have complete control over the outcome.
In keeping ourselves with what feels familiar and known, we don’t allow the opportunity to strengthen our trust and test our resilience. Whereas, if we challenge ourselves to explore beyond our comfort zone and take risks, we demonstrate a willingness to meet and defeat our dragons.
Our sense of security is constantly evolving (or devolving).
The trajectory of this process is not a direct, straight line.
It’s circuitous.
It’s not uncommon to find ourselves back in a familiar place. (“I thought I already learned this lesson! How did I get here again?!”)
Insecurities become triggered by whatever we perceive as a threat.
This could be any type of unexpected change or anything that sparks uncertainty—a new job, a recent move, a breakup, a health challenge, a shift in family or financial dynamics, the loss (or potential loss) of a loved one, a new baby, etc.
Many of life’s uncertain situations can provoke our dragons.
By definition, insecurity, refers to something unstable, unfixed, or prone to breaking or falling apart.
When our insecurities emerge we may experience fear, lack of belonging or connection with others, and low self-worth.
In these moments, it can be tremendously helpful to not only identify the trigger, but also to understand the deeper origin.
Possible reasons for feeling insecure include:
lack of physical or emotional safety
lack of trust (that needs will be met by our self or by others)
lack of self-understanding
unconscious of our needs
undefined sense of purpose or identity
unaware (low insight) of who/how we are
“There is really no safety or security in nature. Everything continues to change. Security is nothing but an illusion.” ~Helen Keller
The reality is, life can be unpredictable.
Relationships can be unpredictable (some more than others).
How do we cultivate flexibility and adeptness in our response to an ever-changing world?
How can we heal from past experiences that have made us more prone to vigilance, fear and reactivity?
How can we access and strengthen our capacity to feel safe and trusting?
By recognizing and understanding our dragons, we are better able to navigate the unexpected twists and turns, while growing our courage, agility and confidence in the process.
In the next two articles, we will explore:
Relationships: How our insecurities show up in our relationships, how relationships can help us restore a sense of security, and the limitations of relationships to heal our insecurities
Internal Security: How to deepen our sense of safety, trust and understanding from within ourselves to create a more sustaining and resilient self-identity