The Dance: How to Ask for Space Without Stepping on Each Other's Toes

Anna loves going to the grocery store. But not just any store; she chooses the market furthest from her house. She also drives to the post office, the bank, or the dry cleaners any chance she gets. She would much prefer to wander the aisles at Target than order anything from Amazon.

Why???

After all, this is the age of online banking and instant deliveries!

“Because it gets me out of the house, and gives me some time for myself,” she says emphatically. “It’s not personal, but I just start to feel suffocated. There’s nowhere I can go that feels safe from interruptions and requests. Even when they’re not talking to me, I can hear them talking and I can’t hear myself think!”

Life can become a dance of overlapping work demands, social schedules, and family obligations. At times, it’s hard to distinguish one from the other, and as a result, our relationships may merge and morph as well.
This creates the added challenge of making time for ourselves, or requesting time alone without potentially upsetting our partner.

Through many of life’s transitions, couples face the challenge of readjusting and redefining how their relationship works. We find ourselves needing to negotiate time alone, time together, small spaces, shared spaces, conflicting schedules, competing priorities, privacy and connection in new and different ways.

As individuals (whether we identify as an introvert or extrovert), our need for personal space and time varies considerably:

Perhaps you are someone who thrives on being near your partner. You might feel more at ease, experience comfort, reassurance, and support from their presence.
Maybe you’re someone who needs more time alone. It helps you reflect, recharge and regain focus and clarity.
You might be the type of person who values having your own respective interests and social connections outside the relationship in order to feel balanced and fulfilled.

What happens when our needs are in conflict?

What if one partner wants more time together and the other needs time apart?

We are challenged to learn how to navigate transitions and conflicts. In this process we have the opportunity to discover meaningful ways to recalibrate and reconnect with each other.

Create a culture of openness, honesty, and transparency in your relationship— This requires trust, but it is also how trust evolves. Ideally, openness and honesty start at the beginning of a relationship, but they can also be developed over time. Practice sharing stories and life experiences (both current and previous). Talk about hypothetical situations, current events, or human interest stories to explore one another’s thoughts, ideas, opinions, beliefs and values in an objective and neutral space.

Example: I was reading an article about a group of college friends who took a week-long trip together without their significant others to celebrate their birthdays. I thought it was kind of a cool idea. What are your thoughts?

Cultivate acceptance, understanding and non-judgment—We don’t always have to agree with our partner’s experiences, decisions and opinions. (Life would be pretty boring if we did!) However, it’s important that we find a way to accept what feels true for them and refrain from judgement. The best antidote for judgement and criticism is a genuine curiosity. Ask questions to help you understand what makes your partner think, feel and act the way they do.

Example: I can see how that idea would sound like fun in theory, but I can’t think of a trip I’d want to take without you. What about it appeals to you the most? It makes me wonder why you would want to go on a trip without me? Who would you go with? What would you hope to get out of it?

Be true to yourself—Know what you need in terms of time and space and be honest about it. This may fluctuate so check in with yourself and keep your partner informed as your needs change. Ask for time apart with the same sensitivity and kindness as you would ask for time together.

Example: I’ve noticed that I’ve felt more irritable and impatient lately. I love you and don’t want to take it out on you. I’m learning that when I can create some space for myself, I feel better with greater bandwidth. Then, I not only look forward to being with you, but I’m in a better headspace and can really appreciate our time together.

Learning the Steps

Being Proactive and Preventative

Have tough conversations when things feel good, peaceful and safe—Most of us don’t want to rock the boat when we feel like we are coasting along. Understandable. However, when we are feeling calm, receptive and comfortable with our partner, this is the best time to engage in constructive conversations about difficult topics (eg. the need for more time apart, a nagging reoccurring jealousy, fear about the future, etc.)

Example: I love that we have made a point of maintaining our own respective friend groups. I know that’s a value we both share, and appreciate that. I have to admit, I feel like sometimes you’d rather be with your friends than with me, and when I feel like that I notice myself pulling away from you.

Know how to self-regulate—It’s normal to have our own emotional responses to challenging situations. We may feel like our needs are not being prioritized. We may find ourselves hurt, frustrated, or losing patience with our partner. We may struggle with our own insecurities or distrust. These feelings, though valid and important, are our responsibility. It is up to us to learn how to regulate and de-escalate when necessary. Take a walk, practice deep breathing, call a trusted friend, journal, take a cool shower, etc. What helps you to calm down and come back to center?

Example: I understand how important your time with your friends is to you, but it brings up a lot of emotion (eg. resentment, abandonment, doubt, etc.) for me. I need to take some time to clear my head, but it would be good to talk more about it later when we are both calm.

Find common ground and start with the positive—It’s always best to begin a conversation by empathizing, aligning with, and expressing appreciation for your partner. Identify what is working, what you value, and/or what you find satisfying in your relationship.

Example: I know we’ve both been super busy and stressed out, and I appreciate all you’re doing to balance your business with our time together. I’m just starting to feel like a lot of the housework is falling on me and when we have time together it can still feel like work for me. Can we try to carve out some time out of the house to do something fun and different together?

Know the signs or clues that indicate that your partner needs space—Are there signals you recognize, a hint that something is amiss with your significant other? A furrowed brow, a terse response to a simple question, rigid body language, avoidance of eye contact, etc. What do you notice with your partner when they need more space or time alone? What tells you that your partner might need a gesture of affection or appreciation?
Say it with kindness—Sometimes our partners might not notice they seem irritable, distant, or distracted. Life’s daily demands and pressures can wear us down, and we are often prone to express our frustrations toward those nearest to us. At times our perception might be off, and what we interpret as anger, apathy, or resentment toward us has nothing to do with us. In a caring and respectful way, share what you’re noticing and ask with genuine interest how your partner is feeling and how you can support them.

Example: I noticed you seemed really quiet at dinner tonight. Do you have something on your mind? Is there anything you’d like to talk about? Is there anything I can do to support you? You don’t have to talk about it now, but I’m here whenever you feel ready.

Mastering the Dialogue “Dance”

Having Difficult Conversations

Listen to understand—Listening is a verb, an action. Being a good listener is not a passive (nor passive-aggressive) role. It requires a calm demeanor (see above), sincere attention, curiosity, clarification, and the capacity to restate what you’ve heard. Most importantly, it means you have a genuine desire to understand your partner’s perspective and experience.

Example: I hear how difficult this feels for you, and I want to help make it easier. When you say it’s hard for you to trust me when I’m away, I wonder what it is you’re worried about? I want you to feel safe and confident in our relationship whether we are together or not. Can we come up with some ideas on how I can reassure you before and/or after I take time away for myself?

Permission to pause and revisit later—It’s okay to ask for a break in a discussion as long as there is a commitment to return to the conversation at a later and pre-determined time. When we feel charged with emotion, we are less receptive, less rational, and less able to reach true resolution. Notice when you need to take a break, and make clear agreements about what that means in your relationship. Use that time to self-regulate, clarify your perspective, and prioritize what matters most to you.

Example: This is really upsetting to me. I feel like you’re saying the same thing over and over and you’re not hearing what I have to say. Can we take a break for today before we say something we might regret? How about we meet out for dinner tomorrow and continue this conversation when we have given ourselves a little perspective?

Don’t take things personally—This is much easier said than done, especially because our intimate partnerships are very personal to us. We all have our own unique lens of life experience through which we see the world. We tend to be biased toward our own views, opinions, and beliefs, which can distort or dismiss how we respond to others’ perspectives. Our way is not the right or the only way, nor is our partner’s. It’s simply perception, either ours or theirs. When we establish appropriate boundaries, a healthy distinction between each other, and a clear understanding of what belongs to us, what we have control over, and where we may let go, we are able to accept others and ourselves with greater compassion and understanding.

As human beings, we are dynamic and ever-evolving, which requires flexibility, adaptation, and acceptance.

We rarely become closer or more secure in our relationship by holding someone tighter against their will.

We rarely lose someone we love by giving them the space they need to grow.

It can be painful when the needs of our partner conflict with our own needs. Yet the tension of conflicting needs and process of discovering resolution can lead to profoundly deeper intimacy. Learning how to navigate this dance in our relationships is an ongoing, lifelong process, but one that leads to a more authentic and gratifying life together.